The Wits <date type="creation_date">1636</date> Davenant, William This text is one of some 500 EEBO-TCP transcriptions of Early Modern plays that have undergone several routines to create an interoperable and algorithmically amenable corpus of Early Modern Drama. Many incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words, as well as obvious printers' errors have been corrected, but the text has not been proofread word by word. See the editorial declaration further down in the header for more details about this edition. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Hannah Bredar Lydia Zoells Martin Mueller
Department of English Northwestern University Evanston IL 60208
Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License 2015 SHC-163-A19883.xml The vvitts. A comedie, presented at the private house in Blacke Fryers, by his Majesties servants. The author VVilliam D'avenant, servant to Her Majestie. D'Avenant, William, Sir, 1606-1668. 39 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2006 June (TCP phase 1) 99844961 STC (2nd ed.) 6309. Greg, II, 507(a). 9820 A19883

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 The vvitts. A comedie, presented at the private house in Blacke Fryers, by his Majesties servants. The author VVilliam D'avenant, servant to Her Majestie. Witts Witts. D'Avenant, William, Sir, 1606-1668. [80] p. Printed [by Augustine Mathewes] for Richard Meighen, next to the Middle Temple in Fleetstreet, London : 1636.

Printer's name from STC.

Signatures: A-K4.

A1 is a license to print. Variant: A1 is blank.

Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery.

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THis Play , called THE WITTS , as it was Acted without offence , may bee Printed , not otherwise .

19. Ianuary 1635 . HENRY HERBERT .

THE VVITTS .

A Comedie , PRESENTED AT THE Private House in Blacke Fryers , by his Majesties Servants .

The Authour VVILLIAM D'AVENANT , Servant to Her Majestie .

LONDON , Printed for RICHARD MEIGHEN , next to the Middle Temple in Fleetstreet . 1636 .

TO THE CHIEFLY Belov'd of all that are Ingenious , and Noble , ENDYMION PORTER , of his Majesties Bedchamber . SIR ,

THough you covet not acknowledgements , receive what belongs to you by a double title : your goodnesse hath preserv'd life in the Author ; then rescu'd his worke from a cruel Faction ; vvhich nothing but the forces of your reason , and your reputation could subdue . If it become your pleasure novv , as vvhen it had the advantage of presentation on the Stage , I shall be taught , to boast some merit in my selfe ; but vvith this inference ; you still ( as in that doubtfull day of my triall ) endeavour to make shevv of so much justice , as may countenance the love you beare to

Your most oblieg'd , and thankfull humble Servant , WILLIAM DAVENANT .
TO THE READER OF Mr. WILLIAM D'AVENANT'S Play . IT hath been said of old , that Playes are Feasts , Poets the Cookes , and the Spectators Guests , The Actors Waiters : From this Similie , Some have deriv'd an unsafe libertie To use their Judgements as their Tastes , which chuse Without controule , this Dish , and that refuse : But Wit allowes not this large Priviledge , Either you must confesse , or feele it's edge ; Nor shall you make a currant inference If you trans-fer your reason to your sense : Things are distinct , and must the same appeare To every piercing Eye , or well-tun'd Eare . Though sweets with yours , sharps best with my taste meet , Both must agree this meat's or sharpe or sweet : But if I sent a stench or a perfume , Whilst you smell nought at all , I may presume You have that sense imperfect : So you may Affect a sad , merry , or humerous Play , If , though the kind distaste or please , the Good And Bad , be by your Judgement understood ; But if , as in this Play , where with delight I feast my Epicurean appetite With rellishes so curious , as dispence The utmost pleasure to the ravisht sense , You should professe that you can nothing meet That hits your taste , either with sharpe or sweet , But cry out , 'tis insipid ; your bold Tongue May doe it's Master , not the Author wrong ; For Men of better Pallat will by it Take the just elevation of your Wit . T. CAREVV .
THE PROLOGVE . BLesse mee you kinder Stars ! How are wee throng'd ? Alas ! whom , hath our long sick-Poet wrong'd , That hee should meet together in one day A Session and a Faction at his Play ? To Iudge , and to Condemne : For't cannot be Amongst so many here , all should agree . Then 'tis to such vast expectation rais'd , As it were to be wonder'd at , not prais'd : And this , good faith Sir Poet ( if I've read Customes , or Men ) strikes you , and your Muse dead ! Conceave now too , how much , how oft each Eare Hath surfeited in this our Hemispheare , With various , pure , eternall Wit ; and then My fine young Comick Sir , y'are kill'd agen . But 'bove the mischiefe of these feares , a sort Of cruell Spies ( wee heare ) intend a sport Among themselves ; our mirth must not at all Tickle , or stir their Lungs , but shake their Gall . So this joyn'd with the rest , makes mee agin To say , You and your Lady Muse within Will have but a sad doome ; and your trim Brow Which long'd for Wreathes , you must weare naked now ; ' Lesse some resolve out of a courteous pride , To like and praise what others shall deride : So they've their humor too ; and wee in spight Of our dull Braines , will thinke each side i'th right . Such is your pleasant judgements upon Playes , Like Par'lells that run straight , though sev'rall wayes .
The Persons of the Comedy . Pallatine the Elder , Richly Landed , and a Witt . Pallatine the Younger , A Witt too , but lives on his exhibition in Towne . Sir Morglay Thwack , A humorous rich old Knight . Sir Tirant Thrift , Guardian to the Lady Ample . Meager , A Souldier newly come from Holland Pert , His Comrade . Engine , Steward to Sir Tirant Thrift . The Lady Ample , An Inheretrix , and Ward to Sir Tirant Thrift . Lucy , Mistresse to the Younger Pallatine . Ginet , Woman to the Lady Ample . Snore , A Constable . Mistresse Snore , His wife . Mistresse Queasie , Her Neighbour . Watchmen , &c.

The Scene LONDON .

THE VVITS .
ACT. 1. SCEN. 1. Enter Young Pallatine , Meager , Pert. Young Pallatine . WElcome o'shore Meager ! Give me thy hand ! Tis a true one , and will no more forsake A Bond , or Bill , then a good Sword ; a hand That will shift for the Body , till the Lawes Provide for both . Meag. Old Wine , and new Cloathes Sir , Make you wanton ! D'you not see Pert , my Comrade ? Yo: Pallat. Ambiguous Pert ! hast thou danc'd to the Drum too ? Could a Taffeta scarfe , a long Estridge whing , A stiffe Iron Doublet , and a Brazeele Pole Tempt thee from Cambrick sheets , fine active Thighs , From Caudles where the precious Amber swims ? Pert. Faith , wee have been to kill , wee know not whom , Nor why : Led on to break a Commandement , With the consent of Custom and the Lawes . Meag. Mine was a certaine inclination Sir To doe mischiefe , where good men of the Iury , And a dull Congregation of gray Beards Might urge no tedious Statute 'gainst my life ! Yo: Pallat. Nothing but Honor could seduce thee , Pert ! Honor ! which is the hope of the Youthfull , And the old Souldiers wealth , a jealousie To the Noble , and mist'ry to the wise . Pert. It was Sir , no Geographicall fancie ( Cause in our Maps , I lik'd this Region here More than that Countrey lying there ) made mee Partiall which to fight for . Yo: Pallat. True , sage Pert . What is't to thee whether one Don Diego A Prince , or Hans van Holme , Fritter seller Of Bombell , doe Conquer that Parapet , Redout , or Towne , which thou nere saw'st before ? Pert.

Not a brasse Thimble to mee ! but Honor ! —

Yo: Pallat. Why right ! els wherfore shouldst thou bleed for him , Whose Money , Wine , nor Wench , thou nere hast us'd ? Or why destroy some poore Root-eating Souldier , That never gave thee the ly , deny'd to pledge Thy Cockatrices health , nere spit upon Thy Dog , jear'd thy Spur-leather , or return'd Thy Tooth-pick ragged , which hee borrowed whole ? Pert.

Never to my knowledge !

Meag. Comrade ! tis time — Yo: Pallat. What , to unship your Trunkes at Billings gate ? Fierce Meager ! why such haste ? doe not I know , That a Mouse yoak'd to a Pescod , may draw With the fraile Cordage of one haire , your Goods About the World ? Pert.

Why wee have Linnen Sir !

Yo. Pallat. As much Sir as will fill a Tinder Box , Or make a Frog a shirt . I like not friends , This quiet , ' mo iest posture of your Shoulders ! Why stir you not , as you were practising To Fence , or doe you hide your Cattell , least The Skipper make you pay their passage over ? Pert. Know Pallatine ! Truth is a naked Lady , Shee will shew all ! Meager , and I have not — Yo: Pall. The Treasure of Saint Marks I believe Sir , Though you are as rich as cast Servingmen , Or Bawdes led thrice into Captivity ! Pert. Thou hast a heart of the right stamp ; I find It is not comely in thine eyes , to see Vs Sons of war walke by the pleasant Vines Of Gascoiny , as wee believ'd the Grapes Forbidden Fruit : sneake through a Taverne with Remorse , as wee had read the Alcharon , And made it our best Faith . Meag. And abstaine flesh , As if our English Beefe were all reserv'd For Sacrifice . Pert Whilst Colon keepes more noyse Than Mariners at Playes , or Apple-wives That wrangle for a Sive ! Meag.

Contribute , come !

Yo: Pallat. Stand there close on you lives ! here in this house Lives a rich old Hen , whose young Egge . ( though not Of her owne laying ) I have in the Embers ! Shee may prove a Morsell for a discreet Mouth , If the kind Fates have but the leasure to Betray the old one . Pert. Pallatine . No plots upon generation ; wee two Have fasted so long , that wee cannot thinke Of begetting any thing , unlesse Like Cannibals , wee might eate our owne Issue . Yo: Pallat.

I say close ; shrinke in your Morions ! goe !

Meager .

Why hidden thus ? a Souldier may appeare .

Yo: Pallat. Yes in a Sutlers Hut on the Pay-day : But doe you know the silence of this house , The gravity and awe ? here dwels a Lady , That hath not seene a street , since good King Harry Cald her to a Masque : shee is more devout Then a Weaver of Banbury , that hopes T'intice Heaven ( by singing ) to make him Lord Of twenty Loomes . I never saw her yet : And to arrive at my preferment first , In your sweet company will ( I take it ) Add but little to my hopes . Retire ! goe ! They step aside , whilst he cals betweene the Hangings Pert. We shall obey , but doe not tempt us now With sweet meates for the neather Pallat ! doe not — Yo: Pallat. VVhat Lucy ! Luce ! now is the old Beldame Misleading her to a Cushion ; where she Must pray , and sigh , and fast , untill her knees Grow smaller then her Knockles . Lucy ! Luce . No hope ! she is undone ! shele number o're As many Orisons , as if she had A Bushell of Beades to her Rosary ! Lucy ! my Aprill love ! my Mistresse speake ! — Enter Lucy . Lucy . Pallatine , for Heavens sake keepe in your voice ! My cruell Aunt will heare , and I am lost . Yo: Pallat. VVhat can she heare , when her old eares are stuff'd With as much warme waxe , as will seale nine Leases ? What a pox does she listning upon earth ? I'st not time for her t'affect privacie ? To creepe into a close darke Vault , there gossip . With wormes , and such small tame creatures , as Heaven Provided to accompany old People ? Lucy . Still better'd unto worse ! but that my heart Consents not to disfigure thee , thou wouldst be torne To pieces numberlesse as sand , or as The doubts of guilt , or love , in Cowards are ! Yo: Pal.

How now Luce ! from what strange coast this storm ! hah !

Lucy . Thou dost out-drinke the youth of Norway at Their Marriage feasts , out-sweare a puny Gamster When his first misfortune rages out quarrell , One that rides post , and is stopt by a Cart : Thy walking houres are later in the night , Then those which Drawers , Traytors , or Constables Themselves doe keepe ; for VVatchmen know thee better Then their Lanthorne ! and here's your Surgeons Bill , Your kind thrift ( I thanke you ) hath sent it me To pay , as if the poore exhibition My Aunt allowes for Aprons , would maintaine You in Seareclothes . — Gives him a paper . Meger. Can the Daughters of Brabant Talke thus when Younker-gheek leads'em to a Stove ? Pert. I say ( Meager ) there is a small parcell Of Man , that rebels more then all the rest Of his body , and I shall need ( if I Stay here ) no Elixer of Beefe to exalt Nature , though I were leaner then a groat ! Yo: Pallat. This Surgeon's a Rogue ( Luce ) a fellow Luce That hath no more care of a Gentlemans Credit , then of the Lint , he hath twice us'd ! Lucy .

VVell Sir , but what's that Instrument he names ?

Yo: Pall He writes down here for a toole of Injection Luce , a small water Engine which I bought For my Taylors Child to squirt at Prentises ! Luce. I Sir , he sins more against wit then Heaven , That knowes not how t'excuse what he hath done ! I shall be old at twenty Pallatine , My griefe to see thy manners , and thy mind Hath wrought so much upon my heart ! Yo: Pallat. I'de as live keepe our Marriage Supper In a Churchyard , and beget our Children In a Coffin , as heare thee prophesie ; Luce , thou art drunke Luce ; farre gone in Almond Milke , Kisse me ! — Pert.

Now I dissolve like an Eringo ?

Meager .

He's ploughing o'the Indies , good Gold appeare !

Yo: Pallat. I am a new man Luce ; thou shalt find me In a Geneva-band , that was reduc'd From an old Alder-mans Cuffe ; no more haire left Then will shakle a flea ; this debash'd Whineyard , I will reclaime to comely Bow and Arrowes , And shoot with Haberdashers at Finsbury , And be thought the Grand-child of Adam-Bell ! And more ( my Luce ) hang at my velvet Girdle , A Booke wrapp'd in a greene Dimity Bagge , And squire thy untooth'd Aunt to an exercise . Lucy .

Nothing but strict Lawes , and age will tame you .

Yo: Pallat.

What money hast thou Luce ?

Lucy .

I there's your busines .

Yo: Pallat. It is the busines of the world : Injuries grow . To get it , Iustice sits for the same end ; Men are not wise without it ; for it makes Wisedome knowne ; and to be a Foole , and poore , Is next t'old Aches and bad Fame ; tis worse Than to have six new Creditors , they each Twelve Children , and not bread enough to make The Landlord a Tost , when hee cals for Ale And Rent . Think on that , and rob thy Aunts Trunks Ere shee hath time to make an Inventory . Pert.

A cunning Pioner ! hee works to th'bottome .

Lucy . Hast thou no taste of Heav'n ? wert thou begot In a Prison , and bred up in a Galley ? Yo: Pallat. Luce ! I speake like one that hath seene the Booke Of Fate : I'm loath ( for thy sake ) to mount a Coach With two wheeles ; whilst the Damzels of the Shop Cry out , A goodly strait chin'd Gentleman ! Hee dyes , for robbing an Atturnies Cloak-bag Of Copper-seales , foule Night-caps , together With his wives Bracelet of Mill-Testers ! Lucy . There Sir ! — Flings him a Purse . Tis gold ! my Pendants , Carckanets , and Rings , My Christning Caudle-cup , and Spoones Are dissolv'd into that Lumpe . Nay , take all ! And with it as much anger as would make Thy Mother write thee illegitemate ! See me no more ! I will not stay to blesse My gift ; lest I should teach my patience suffer Till I convert it into Sin . Exit . Yo: Pallat. Temptations will not thrive . This Bagadge sleeps Crosse legg'd , and the Devill has no more power O're that charme , than dead Men o're their lewd Heires . I must marry her , and spend my revenue In Cradles , Pins , and Sope ! That's th'end of all That scape a deepe River , and a tall Bough . Meag.

Pallatine ! How much ?

Pert.

Honorable Pall !

Yo: Pallat. Gentlemen , you must accept without gaging Your corporall Oathes , to repay in three dayes ! Pert.

Not wee ( Pall ) in three Iubilies , feare not !

Yo: Pallat. Nor shall you charge mee with loud vehemence ( Thrice before company ) to wait you in My chamber such a night ; for then , a certaine Drover of the South comes to pay you money ! Meag.

On our new Faithes !

Pert.

On our Allegiance Pall !

Yo: Pall. Go then ! — shift , and brush your skins well , d'you hear ! Meet me at the new Play ; faire , and perfum'd ! There are strange words hang on the lips of Rumor ! Pert.

Language of joy deere Pall !

Yo: Pallat. This day is come To Towne , the Minion of the womb ( my Lads ) My elder Brother , and hee moves like some Assyrian Prince ; his Chariots measure Leagues Witty , as youthfull Poets in their wine ! Bold as a Centaure at a Feast , and kind As Virgins that were nere beguild with love ! I seeke him now , meet and triumph ! Meager , King Pall ! — Exeunt Omnes . Pert . Enter Sir Morglay Thwack , Eld. Pallatine , new and richly clothed , buttoning themselves . Eld. Pallat. Sir Morglay ! come ! the houres have wings , and you Are growne too old , t'overtake them : The Towne Lookes ( me thinkes ) as it would invite the Countrey To a Feast . Thwack . At which Serjeants and their Yeomen Must be no Waiters ( Pallatine ) lest some O'the Guests pretend busines : how dost like me ? Eld. Pallat. As one , old women shall no more avoid , Then they can warme Furs or Muskadell ! Thwack , Pallatine ! to have a volatile Ache , That removes oftner then the Tartars Campe ; To have a stich that fucks a man awry , Till he shew crooked as a Chestnut Bough , Or stand in the deform'd Guard of a Fencer ; To have these hid in Flesh , that has liv'd sinfull Fifty long yeares ; yet husband , so much strength As could convay mee hither , fourscore Miles On a disigne of Wit , and glory may Be Registred for a strange Northerne Act . Eld. Pallat. I cannot boast those Noble Malladies As yet ; but Time ( deare Knight ) as I have heard , May make mans knowledge bold upon himselfe . We travell in the grand cause ! These smooth Rags , These Iewels too , that seeme to smile e're they Betray , are certaine silly snares , in which Your Lady-wits , and their wise Compeers-Male May chance be caught ! Enter Young Pallatine . Yo: Pallat. Your welcome ( Noble Brother ) Must be hereafter spoke , for I have lost With glad haste to find you , much of my Breath ! — Eld. Pallat.

Your joy becomes you it hath Courtship in't !

Yo: Pallat. Sir Morglay Thwack ! I did expect to see The Archer Cimbeline , or old King Lud Advance his Fauchion here agen , e're you 'Mongst so much smoke , diseases , Law , and noyse ! Thwack . What your Towne gets by mee , let'um lay up For their Orphans , and Record in their Annals ! I come to borrow where Ile never lend , And buy what Ile never pay for . Yo: Pallat.

Not your Debts ?

Thwack . No Sir , though to a poore Brownists widdow ! Though shee sigh all night , and have the next morning Nothing to drinke , but her owne Teares . Eld. Pallat. Nor shalt thou lend money to a sick friend , Though the sad worme ly morgag'd in his bed For the hire of his Sheets . Yo: Pallat. These are Resolves , That give mee newer wonder than your Cloathes ; Why in such shining Trim , like Men that come From rifled Tents , loaden with victory ? Eld. Pal. Yes Brother , or like eager heires new dipp'd In Inke , that seal'd the day before in haste , Lest Parchment should grow deere . Know Youth wee come To be the businesse of all Eyes , to take The wall of our St. George on his Feast day ! Thwack . Yes , and then imbarke at Dover , and doe The like to St. Dennis : All this ( young Sir ) Without charge too ; I meane , to us ; wee bring A humerous odd Phylosophy to Towne That sayes , pay nothing ! Yo: Pal.

Why , where have I liv'd ?

Eld. Pal. Brother be calme , and edifie ! But first Receive a Principle , never hereafter ( From this warme breathing , till your last cold sigh ) Will I disburse for you agen ; Never ! Yo: Pal. Brother mine , if that be your Argument , I deny the Maior ! Thwack .

Resist Principles ?

El. Pal. Good faith , though you should send me more Epistles Than young Factors in their first voyage write Vnto their short hair'd Friends ; than absent Lovers Pen neere their Mariage weeke , t'excuse the slow Arrivall of the License , and the Ring , Not one clipp'd penny should depart my reach . Yo: Pal.

This Doctrine will not passe , how shall I live ?

Eld. Pall.

As we intend to doe , by our good witts !

Yo: Pall.

How , Brother , how ?

Eld: Pall. Truth is a pleasant knowledge ; Yet you shall have her cheape , Sir Morglay here , ( My kind Disciple ) and my selfe , have leas'd Out all our Rents and Lands for pious uses ! Yo: Pall. What , Co-founders ! give Legacies ere death ! Pallatine the pious , and St Morglay ! Your names will sound but ill ith Kallender . How long must this fierce raging zeale continue ? Eld: Pall. Till we subsist here no more by our wit , Then weele renounce the Towne , and patiently Vouchsafe to reassume our Mother Earth , Lead on our Ploughs into their rugged walkes Agen , grope our young Heifers in the flanke , And swagger in the wooll , wee shall borrow From our owne flocks . Thwack . But ere we goe , we may From the vast treasure purchas'd by our wit , Leave heere some Monument to speake our Fame . I have a strong mind to reedifie The decayes of Fleet-Ditch , from whence I heare The roaring Vestals late are fled , through heat Of persecution . Yo: Pal. What a small star have I , That never yet could light mee to this way ! Live by our wits ? El: Pall. So live , that Usurers , Shall call their Moneys in , remove their Banke T' Ordinaries , Spring-garden , and Hide-parke , Whilst their glad Sons are left seven for their chance , At Hazard , Hundred , and all made at Sent ; Three motly Cocks o'th right Derby straine , Together with a Foale of Beggibrigge ! Thwa. Sir , I will match my Lord Maiors horse , make Iockeys Of his Hench-boyes , and run 'em through Cheap-side . Eld. Pallat. What beauties Girles of feature governe now I'th towne ? tis long since wee did traffique here , In midnight whispers , when the Dialect Of Loves loose Wit , is frighted into signes , And secret laughter stifled into smiles : When nothing's loud but the old Nurses Cough ! Who keepes the Game up , hah ! who misled now ? Thwack . Not Sir , that if wee wooe , weele be at charge For Looks ; or if wee marry , make a Ioynture , Entaile Land on women ? entaile a Back , And so much else of Man , as Nature did Provide for the first wife . Eld. Pallat. I could keepe thee , Thy future Pride , thy Surfets , and thy Lust , ( I meane , in such a garb as may become A Christian Gentleman ) with the sole Tithe Of Tribute , I shall now receive from Ladies . Thwack . Your Brother , and my selfe have seal'd to Covenants ! The Female Youth o'th towne are his ; but all From forty to fourscore , mine owne : A widow ( You'l say ) is a wise , solemne , wary Creature ; Though she hath liv'd to'th cunning of dispatch , Clos'd up nine Husbands eies , and have the wealth Of all their Testaments , in one Month Sir , I will waste her to her first Wedding-smock , Her single Ring , Bodkin , and Velvet-Muffe . Yo: Pallat. Your Rents expos'd at home , for Pious uses Must expiate your behaviour here ; Tell mee , Is that the subtle plot you have on Heaven ? Thwack The worm of your worships conscience would appear As big as a Conger , but a good eye May chance to find it slender as a Grigge ! Yo: Pallat. Amazement knowes no ease , but in demands , Pray tell mee Gentlemen , to all this vaste Disignment ( which so strikes my Eare ) deduct You nought from your revenue , nought that may Like Fuell , feed the flame of your expense ? Eld. Pall. Brother , not so much as will find a Iew Bacon to his Egges : These gay tempting Weeds , These Easterne stones of cunning foile , bespoke Gainst our arrivall here , together with A certaine stock of Crownes in eithers purse , Is all the charge that from our proper owne , Begins or furthers the magnifique plot , And of these Crownes , not one must be usurp'd By you . Thwack .

No reliefe , but Wit and good Counsell !

Eld. Pallat. The stock my Father left you , if your care Had purpos'd so discreet a course might well Have set you up i'th Trade , but we spend light ! Our Coach is yet unwheel'd , Sir Morglay , come , Lets sute those Friesland horse with our owne straine ! Yo: Pallat.

Why Gentlemen , will the disigne keepe horses ?

Thwack .

May be Sir they shall live by their Wits too !

Yo: Pall. Their Masters are bad Tutors else ; well , how You'l worke the Ladies , and weake Gentry here By your fine gilded Pills , a Faith that is Not old may guesse without distrust . But Sirs , The Citty ( take't on my experiment ) Will not be gull'd ! Thwack . Not gull'd ? they dare not be So impudent ! I say they shall be gull'd , And trust , and breake , and pawne their Charter too ! Yo: Pallat. Is it lawfull ( Brother ) for me to laugh That have no money ? Eld. Pallat.

Yes Sir , at your selfe !

Yo: Pallat. Two that have tasted Natures kindnesse Arts , And men , have shin'd in moving Camps ; have seene Courts in their solemne businesse , and vaine pride ; Convers'd so long i'th towne here , that you know Each Signe , and Pibble in the streets ; for you ( After a long retirement ) to lease forth Your wealthy pleasant Lands , to feed Iohn Crump , The Cripple , Widow Needy , and Abraham Sloath , the Beads-man of More-dale ? Then ( forsooth ) Perswade your selves to live here by your Wits . Thwack Where wee nere cheated in our Youth , we resolve To couzen in our Age . Eld. Pallat. Brother , I came To be your wise example in the Arts That lead to thriving glory , and supreame life ; Not through the humble wayes wherein dull Lords Of Lands , and Sheepe doe walke ; Men that depend On the fantastick winds on fleeting Clowds , On seasons more uncertaine than themselves , When they would hope or feare ; But you are warme In anothers silke , and make your tame ease Virtue , call it content , and quietnesse ! Thwack Write Letters to your Brother ! do ! and be Forsworne , in every long Parenthesis , For twenty pound sent you in Butchers silver ! Eld. Pall.

Rebukes are precious ! cast them not away !

Yo: Pall. Neither of these Philosophers were borne To above five Senses ; why then should they Have hope , to doe things greater , and more new I'th world , than I ? This Devill Plenty thrusts Strange boldnesse upon Men ! well , you may laugh With so much violence , till it consume Your breath ! Though sullein want , the Enemy Of Wit , have sunke her low ; if pregnant Wine Can raise her up , this day she shall be mine . Exit .
ACT. 2. SCEN. 1. Enter the Lady Ample , Engine , Ginet . Ampl.

My Guardian hors'd ? this evening say'st thou Engine ?

Engin.

It's an houre ( Madam ) since hee smelt the Towne ?

Ampl. Saw'st thou his slender empty leg in th'Stirrop ? His Iv'ry Box on his smooth Ebon staffe New civitted , and tyed to's gouty wrist ? With his warp'd face close button'd in his Hood , That Men may take him for a Monke disguis'd , And fled post from a Pursevant ! Engin. ( Madam ) beware I pray , lest th'Age and cunning Hee is Master of , prepare you a Revenge , And such as your fine wit shall nere intreat Your patience to disgest . To morrow night Th'extreamest Minute of your Wardship is Expir'd , and wee Magicians of the house Believe this hasty Iourney hee hath tane Is to provide a Husband for your sheets ! Ampl. And such a one , as judgement and nine Eies Must needs dislike , that's composition may Grow up to his owne thrifty wish . Eng. Madam . Your Arrow was well aym'd ; I call him Master , But I am Servant unto Truth , and You . Ampl. He chuse a Husband , fit to guide , and sway My Beauties wealthy Dowry , and my heart ? Ile make Election to delight my selfe : What composition strictest Lawes will give ; His Guardianship may take from the rich Banke My Father left , and not devour my Land . Ginet . Your Ladyship has liv'd six yeares beneath His roofe , therefore may guesse the colour Of his heart , and what his braines doe weigh . But Engine ( Madam ) is your humble Creature . Ampl. I have bounty , Engine ! And thou shalt largely taste it , when the next Faire Sun is set , for then my Wardship ends — Knocking within . That speaks command , or hast open the doore . Enter Lucy . Lucy ! weeping my wench ? melting thine Eies , As they had trespass'd against light , and thou Wouldst give them darknesse for a punishment . Lucy . Vndone ( Madam ) without all hope , but what Your pitty will vouchsafe to minister ! Ampl. Hast thou been struck by infamy ? or com'st A Mourner from the Funerall of Love ? Lucy . I am the Mourner , and the Mourn'd ; dead to My selfe ; but left not rich enough to buy a Grave : My cruell Aunt hath banish'd me her Roofe , Expos'd me to the night , the winds , and what The raging Elements on wandrers lay , Left naked , as first Infancie or Truth . Ginet . I could nere indure that old moist ey'd Lady ! Me thought she pray'd too oft . Amp. A meere receipt To make her long winded , which our devout Phisitians now prescribe to defer death . But Lucy , can she urge no cause for this Strange wrath , that you would willingly conceale ! Lucy . Suspitions of my Chastity ; which heaven Must needs resist as false ; though she accus'd Mee even in dreame , where thoughts commit by chance , Not Apetite . Amp.

What ground had her suspect ?

Lucy . Young Pallatine ( that woo'd my heart untill Hee gather'd Fondnesse where hee planted Love ) Was falne into such want , as eager blood , And Youth could not endure , and keepe the Lawes Inviolate . I to prevent my feare , Sold all my Iewels , and my trifling wealth Bestow'd them on him ; and she thinks a more Vnholy consequence attends the guift . Ampl. This Luce , is such Apostacie in Wit , As Nature must degrade her selfe in woman to Forgive ? shall Love put thee to charge ? couldst thou Permit thy Lover to become thy Pensioner ? Engin.

Her sence will now be tickled till it ake !

Ampl. Thy feature and thy wit , are wealth enough To keepe thee high in all those vanities That wilde ambition , or expensive pride Performe in youth ; but thou invertst their use Thy Lover like the foolish Adamant , The steele ; thou fiercely dost allure , and draw , To spend thy virtue , not to get by it . Lucy .

This Doctrine ( Madam ) is but new to mee .

Ampl. How have I liv'd thinkst thou ? e'en by my Wits ! My Guardians contribution gave us Gownes ; But cut from th'curtaines of a Cariers bed : Iewels wee wore , but such as Potters wives Bake in the Furnace for their daughters wrists ! My womans Smock's so course , as they were spun O'th tackling of a Ship . Ginet . A Coat of Male Quilted with Wyre , was soft sarsnet to 'um . Ampl. Our dyet , scarse so much as is prescrib'd To mortifie ; Two Egges of Emmets poach'd A single Bird no bigger than a Bee , Made up a Feast . Ginet . He had starv'd me , but that The Green-sicknesse tooke away my stomack ! Ampl. Thy disease ( Ginet ) made thee in love with Morter , And tho'eatst him up two foot of an old wall ! Engin. A priviledge my Master onely gave Vnto her teeth , none else o'th house durst do't . Ampl. When ( Lucy ) I perceiv'd this straitned life , Nature ( my Steward ) I did call t'acompt , And tooke from her Exchequer so much Wit As has maintain'd mee since . I led my fine Trim bearded Males in a small subtle string Of my soft haire ; made 'um to offer up , And bow , and laugh'd at the Idolatry . Ginet .

A jewell for a kisse , and that halfe ravish'd .

Lucy . I feel , I am inclin'd t'indeavour in A Calling ( Madam ) Ild be glad to live ! Ample . Know ( Luce ) this is no Hospitall for Fooles ! My Bed is yours , but on condition Luce , That you redeeme the Credit of your Sex ; That you beginne to tempt , and when the snare Hath caught the Fowle , you plume him till you get More feathers then you lost to Pallatine . Lucy . I shall not waste my houres in winding Silke , Or shealing Pescods with your Ladiship ! Ampl. Frosts on my heart ! what ? give unto a Suitor ! Know ? I would faine behold , that silly Monarch , ( Bearded Man ! ) that durst wooe mee with halfe So impudent a hope ! Eng. Madam , you are Not farre from the possession of your wish , There is no language heard , no businesse now In towne , but what proclaimes th'arrivall heere ( This morne ) of th'elder Pallatine , Brother To him you nam'd , and with him such an old Imperiall buskin Knight as th'Isle nere saw . Amp.

What's their designe ?

Eng. They wil immure thēselves With Diamonds , with all refulgent Stones , That merit price : aske 'em who payes ? why Ladies ! They'le feast with rich Provinciall vvines , who payes ? Ladies . They'le shine in various habit , like Eternall Bridegromes of the day , aske 'em VVho payes ? Ladies . Lie with those Ladies too , And pay'em but with Issue-Male , that shall Inherit nothing but their witt , and doe The like to Ladies , when they grow to age . Luce.

My eares receiv'd a taste of them before .

Ampl. Engine , how shall we see them ? blesse me , Engine , With thy kind voyce . Eng. Though Miracles are ceas'd , This ( Madam's ) in the power of Thought , and Time . Ampl. I would kisse thee Engine , but for an odd Nice humour in my lips ; they blister at Inferiour breath ! This Ring , and all my hopes Are thine ; deare Engine now project , and live ! Ginet .

Ide loose my VVedding to behold these Dagonets !

Ample . My Guardean's out o' Towne ! let us triumph Like Caesars , till to morrow night ! thou knowst I'm then no more o'th Family ! I would Like a departing Lampe ) before I leave You in the darke , spread in a glorious blaze ! Engin.

Madam , command the Keyes , the house , and me .

Ampl. Spoke like the bold Cophetua's Son ! Let us contrive within to tempt 'um hither : Follow my Luce , restore thy self to Fame ! — Ex. Eng. Amp. Gin. Young Pallatine beckens Lucy from between the Hangings , as shee is going . Yo: Pall.

Luce ! Luce !

Lucy .

Death on my Eyes ! how came you hither ?

Yo: Pallat. I'm Luce , a kind of peremptory Fly , Shift houses still to follow the Sun-beames ! I must needs play in the flames of thy beauty ! Lucy .

Y'have us'd me with a Christian care , have you not ?

Yo: Pallat. Come I know all ! I'have been at thy Aunts house And there committed more disorder than A storme in a Ship , or a Canon Bullet Shot through a Kitchin among shelves of Pewter . Lucy .

This madnesse is not true I hope !

Yo: Pal. Yes Faith . Witnesse a shower of Malmsey Lees , drop'd from Thy Aunts owne Vrinall , on this new Morion ! — Lucy .

Why you have seene her then ?

Yo: Pallat. Yes , and she lookes like the old Slut of Babylon Thou hast read of . I told her she must dye . And her beloved Velvet-Hood be fold To some Dutch Brewer of Ratcliffe , to make His You Frowe slippers . Lucy . Speake low ! I am deprived By thy rash wine of all atonement now , Vnto her after Legacies or Love ! Yo: Pallat. My Luce ! be magnifi'd ! I am all plot ! All Stratagem ! My Brother is in towne ; My Lady Ample's Fame hath caught him Girle : I'm told he meanes an instant visit hither . Lucy .

What happinesse from this ?

Yo: Pallat. As hee departs From hence , I'have laid two Instruments , Meager And Pert , that shall encounter his long eares : With tales lesse true than those of Troy , they shall Endanger him maugre his active wits , And mount thee little Luce , that thou mayst reach To dandle Fate , to sooth them till they give Vs leave to make , or alter destinies ! Lucy .

You are too lowd ! whisper your plots within . Exeunt

Enter Engine , Elder Pallatine , Thwack . Engin. You call , and governe Gentlemen , as if Your businesse were above your haste , but know You where you are ? Eld. Pallat. Sir Tirant Thrift dwels here ! The Lady Ample is his Ward ; shee is Within , and wee must see her ; No excuses ! Shee is not old enough to be lock'd up To sey new Perukes , or purge for Rhume . Thwack . Tell her , that a young devout Knight , made gray By a charme ( t'avoid temptation in others ) Would speake with her . Engin. I shall deliver you both , These Tygers hunt their pray with a strange Nosthrill ! Come unsent for so aptly to our wish ? — Exit . Eld: Pallat. But this Sir Morglay will not doe , In troth You breake our Covenants . Thwack .

Why heare me plead !

Eld: Pallat. From forty to fourscore , the written Law Runs so ; this Lady's in her Nonage yet , And you to presse into my company Where visitations are decreed mine owne , Argues a heat that my rebukes must coole . Thwa. What should I do ? wouldst have me keepe my chamber And mend Darke Lanthornes ; invent steele Matocks , Or weigh Gun-powder , sollitude leads mee To nothing lesse than Treason ; I shall conspire To dig , and blow up all rather than sit still . Eld: Pallat. Follow your Taske ! you see how early I Have found this young Inheretrix , goe seeke The aged out ; Bones , unto Bones ! Like Cards Ill pack'd , shuffle your selves together till You each dislike the game ! Thwack . Tis the cause I Come for ; a wither'd Mid-wife , or a Nurse Who drawes her lips together , like an eye That gives the cautionary winke , are those I would find here ; so they be rich , and fat ! — Enter Ginet . Ginet . My Lady understands your haste , and she Her selfe , consults now in affaires of haste , But yet will hastely approach , to see You Gentlemen , and then in haste returne ! exit . Eld Pall.

What's this the Superscription of a Packet ?

Thwack .

Now does my blood wamble ! you ! Sucket eater !

offers to follow her , Pallatine staies him . Eld. Pall. These Covenants ( Knight ) will never be observ'd , Il'e sue the forfeiture , leave you so poore Till for preferment you become an Eunuch , And sing a Trebble ; in a Chauntry , Knight . Enter Ample , Lucy , Ginet , Elder Pallatine , and Thwak . addresse to kisse them , and are thrust backe . Ample . Stay Gentlemen ! good soules ! they have seene ( Lucy ) The Country Turtles bill , and thinke our lipps I'th Towne , and Court , are worne for the same use . Lucy . Pray how doe the Ladies there ? poore Villagers They churne still , keepe their Dayrles , and lay up For Imbroidered Mantles , against the Heires birth ! Ample .

Who is begot i'th Christmas Holydaies .

Eld. Pall. Yes surely , when the Spirit of Mince-Pie Raignes in the blood . Ampl What ? penny Gleek I hope's In fashion yet , and the trecherous foot Not wanting on the Table frame to jogge The Husband , lest he lose the Noble that Should pay the Grocers Man , for Spice and Fruit ! Lucy . The good old Buttler shares too , with his Lady In the Box , bating for Candles that were burnt After the Clocke struck Ten . Thwack . He doth indeed , Poore Country Madams th'are in Subjection still , The beasts their husbands make 'em sit on three Legg'd stooles , like homely Daughters of an Hospitall , To knit sockes for their cloven feet . Eld. Pallat. And when these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th'impudence to live long ) Good Ladies they are faine to waste the sweet And pleasant seasons of the day , in boyling Jellies for them , and rowling little Pills Of Cambrick Lint to stuffe their hollow teeth . Lucy . And then the Evenings ( warrant yee ) they spend With mother Spectacle the Curats wife , Who does inveigh 'gainst curling and dyde Cheekes , Heaves her devout impatient nose at oyle Of Iessamin , and thinkes powder of Paris more Prophane then th'ashes of a Romish Martyr . Ample . And in the dayes of joy , and triumph Sir , Which come as Seldome to them as new gownes Then humble wretches , they doe friske and dance In narrow Parlers , to a single Fidle , That squekes foorth tunes , like a departing Pigge . Lucy . Whilst the mad Hinds , shake from their feet more dirt Then did the Cedar-Rootes , that danc'd to Orpheus . Ample . Doe they not powre their wine too , from an Ewre , Or small guilt Cruce , like Orange-water kept To sprinkle hollyday Beards ? Lucy . And when a Stranger comes , send seven miles post By Moone-shine , for another pint ? Eld. Pallat. All these indeed are heauy truthes , but what Doe you ( th'exemplar Madams of the Towne ? ) Play away your youth , as our hasty Gamesters Their light Gold , not with desire to lose it , But in a fond mistake that it will fit No other use ? Thwack . And then reserve your age As superstitious Sinners ill got wealth Perhaps for'th Church , perhaps for Hospitals . Eld. Pallat. If rich you come to Court , there learne to be At charge to teach your Paraqueeto's French , And then allow them their Interpreters , Least the Sage Fowle should lose their wisdome on Such Pages of the presence , and the Guard As have not past the Seas . Thwack . But if y'are poore , Like wanton Monkies , chain'd from Fruit , You feede upon the itch of your owne Tailes . Lucy .

Rose-Vineger to wash that Ruffians mouth !

Ampl.

They come to live here by their Wits , let them use'em !

Lucy . They have so few , and those they spend so fast , They will leave none remaining to maintaine them . Eld. Pallat. You shall maintaine us ; a communitie The subtle have decreed of late : You shall Endow us with your Bodies , and your Goods ; Yet use no manacles cald dull Matrimony To obliege affection against wise Nature , Where it is lost ( perhaps ) through a disparity Of yeares , or justly through distaste of crimes . Ampl.

Most excellent Resolves !

Eld. Pallat. But if you'l needs marry , Expect not a single Pursse for a Ioynture ; Not so much Land as will allow a Grasshopper A Salad ! Thwac. I would no more doubt t'enjoy You two in all variety of wishes , ( Wer't not for certaine Covenants that I lately Sign'd to in my drinke ) then I would feare Vsurie In a small Poet , or a cast Corporall . Ampl.

You would not !

Thwack . But looke to your old Widowes ! There my title's good ; see they be rich too ; Lest I shall leave their Twins upon the Parish , To whom the Deputy o'th Ward will deny Blew Coates at Easter , Loaves at Funerals , Cause they were Sons of an old Countrey Wit ! Ampl. Why all for Widowes Sir , can nothing that Is young affect your mouldy apetite ? Thw. No in sooth , Damsels at your yeares are wont To talke too much over their Marmaled , They cann't fare well , but all the Towne must hear't ! Their love's so full of prayses , and so loud , A man may with lesse noyse , lye with a Drum ! Ampl.

Thinke you so Sir ?

Thw. Give me an old widow that commits Sin With the gravity of a corrupt Iudge , Accepts of Benefits i'th darke , and can Conceale them from the light . — Ample takes Elder Pall : apart . Ampl. Pray Sir allow mee but your eare aside ! Though this rude Clime i'th Clough , presume In his desires more than his strength can justifie , You should have nobler kindnesse than to thinke All Ladies rellish of an apetite , Bad as the worst your evill chance hath found . Eld. Pallat. All are alike to mee : at least , I'le make Them so , with thin perswasions , and a short Expence of time . Ample . Then I have cast away My sight ; my eyes have look'd themselves into A strong disease , but they shall bleed for it . Eld. Pall.

Troth Lady mine , I find small remedy !

Ample . Why came you hither Sir , she that shall sigh Her easie spirits into wind for you , Must not have hope the kindnesse of your breath Will ere recover her . Lucy . What doe I heare ? Hymen defend ? But three good corners to your little heart , And two already broyling on Loves Altar ? Does this become her Ginet , speake ? Ginet .

As age , and halfe a smock would become me .

Thwack .

Th'ast caught her Pallatine ; insinuate Rogue ? —

Lucy . Love him , you must recant , or the small God And I shall quarrell , when wee meet i'th Clouds . Thwack .

S'light , see how she stands , speake to her .

Eld. Pall. Peace Knight ! it is apt cunning that we goe ; Disdaine is like to water pour'd on Ice , Quenches the flame a while to raise it higher . Lucy .

Engine shew them their way . — Enter Engine .

Engine .

It lies here Gentlemen ! —

Eld. Pal. There needs small sūmons , we are gone ! but d'you hear , We will receive no Letters , we , though sent By'th incorporiall spy your Dwarffe , or Audry Of the Chamber , that would deliver them With as much caution , as they were Atachments Vpon money newly paid . Thwack . Nor no message From the old Widdow your Mother ( if you Have one ) no , though she send for me when she Is giving up her testy Ghost ; and lies Halfe drown'd in Rhume , those floods of Rhume , in which Her Maids doe daily dive to seeke the Teeth She cough'd out last . — Exeunt Engine , Eld. Pall . Thwack . Lucy . Lasse ! good old Gentleman ! Wee shall see him shortly in as many Nightcaps , As would make sick Mahomet a Turband For the Winter . Amp.

Are they gone Luce ?

Lucy . Not like the houres , for they'l returne agen Ere long ; O you carry'd your false love rarely ! Amp

How impudent these Country fellows are ?

Lucy . He thinks y'are caught ; he has you between's teeth , And intends you for the very next bit He meanes to swallow . Amp. Luce , I have a thousand thoughts More than a Kerchiefe can keepe in : Quick Girle ! Let us consult , and thou shalt find what silly Snipes These witty Gentlemen shall prove , and in Their owne confession too , or I'le cry Flownders else , And walke with my Petti-coat tuck'd up like A long mayd of Almaineny . Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Meager , Pert , the two last being new cloath'd . Yo: Pall. Don Meager , and Don Pert , you neither found These imbroaderd skins in your mothers womb : Surely Natures Wardrobe is not thus lac'd ! Pert. We flourish Pall , by th'Charter of thy smiles , A little magnify'd , with shew , and thought Of our new plot . Meag.

The chambers bravely hung !

Pert. To thy owne wish , a Bed and Canopy Prepar'd all from our numbred pence ; if it Should faile , Meager , and I , must creep into Our quondam rags , a transmigration Pall , Which our Divinity can ill indure . Meag. If I have more left t'maintaine a large stomacke , And a long Bladder , than one comely Shilling , Together with a single ounce of Hope ; I am the Son of a Carman . Yo: Pall. Doe you suspect my prophecies , That am your Mint , your grand Exchequer ? Pert. Pall , no suspitions Pall , but we that imbarque Our whole stock in one vessell , would be glad To have all Pyrats o'shore , and the winds In a calme humor ! Meag.

How fares th'intelligence ?

Yo: Pall. I left 'um at the Lady Ample's house This street they needs must passe , if they reach home . Pert. O I would faine project 'gainst the old Knight , Can we not share him too ? Yo: Pall. This wheele must move Alone , Sir Morglay Thwack's too rugged yet , He'ld interrupt the course , a little more O'th File , will smooth him fit to be screw'd up ; Pert.

Shrinke off Pall , I heare 'em !

Enter Thwack , Elder Pallatine . Eld: Pall. Th'hast not the art of patient leisure to Attend the aptitude of things ; wouldst thou Run on like a rude Bull , on every object that Doth heat the blood ? this cunning abstinence Will make her passions grow more violent . Thwack . But Pallatine , I doe not find I have The cruelty , or grace , to let a Lady Starve for a warm morsell . — Pert and Meager take the Elder Pallatine aside . Yo: Pallat.

Now my fine Pert !

Pert. Sir , we have businesse for your Eare ; it may Concerne you much , therefore tis fit it be Particular . Eld: Pall.

From whom !

Meager . A young Lady Sir . It is a secret will exact much care And wisdome i'th delivery ; you should Dismisse that Gentleman ! Eld: Pallat. A young Lady ! good ! All the best Stars i'th Firmament are mine ! Our Coach attends us Knight i'th botome of The hither street , you must goe home alone . Thwack . Ile sooner kill a Serjeant , choose my Iury In the City , and be hang'd for a Taverne Bush ! Eld: Pall.

Will't ruine all our destinies hath built ?

Thw. Come , what are those sly silk-worms there that creep So close into their wooll , as they would spin For none but their deare selves . I heard 'em name a Lady ! Eld: Pall. You heard them say then , she was young , and what Our Covenants are , remember ! Thw. Young , how young ? She left her Wormeseed , and her Corall whistle But a Month since : doe they meane so ? Eld. Pall.

Morglay , our Covenants is all I aske !

Thw. May be shee hath a mind to mee , for there's A reverend humor in the blood , which thou Nere knewst ; perhaps she would have Boyes begot Should be deliver'd with long Beards , till thou Arive at my full growth , thou'lt yield the world Nought above Dwarfe , or Page . Elder Pallat.

Our Covenants still , I cry !

Thwack . Faith , I'le stride my Mule too morrow , and away To'th homely Village in the North ! Eld: Pall.

Why so ?

Thwack . Alas , these silly Covenants ( you know ) I seal'd too in my drinke , and certaine feares Lurke in a remote comer of my head , That say the game will all be yours . Eld: Pallat. But what successe canst thou expect , since w'have Not yet enjoy'd the City a full day ? Thwack . I say , let me have Woman ; be shee young , Or old , Grandam or Babe , I must have Woman ! Eld: Pall. Carry but thy patience like a Gentleman , And let mee singly mannage this adventure , It will too morrow cancell our old deeds , And leave thee to subscribe to what thy free Pleasure shall direct . Thw. Wee'l equally injoy Virgin , Wife , and Widow , the younger Kerchiefe with The aged Hood . Eld: Pall. What I have said , if I had leisure now I'd ratifie with oathes of thy owne chusing . Thwac. Goe ! propagate ! fill the shops with thy notch'd Issue , that when our Money's spent , wee may Be trusted , breake , and couz'n in our owne Tribe . Eld: Pall.

Leave me to fortune !

Thw. D'you here Pallatine . Perhaps this young Lady has a Mother ! — Eld: Pall. No more , good night ! — Exit Thwack . I have obay'd you Gentlemen , no Eares Are neere us , but our owne , what's your affaire ! Meag. Wee'l lead you to the Ladies Mansion Sir , 'Tis hard by . Eld: Pall.

Hard by !

Pert. So neere , that if your Lungs be good , You may spit thither : that is the house ! Eld: Pall. These appeare Gentlemen , And of some ranke ! I will in ! Exeunt Eld. Pall . Meager . Pert. Yo: Pall. So , so ! the hooke has caught him by the Gils ; And it is fastned to a line will hold You Sir , though your wits were stronger than your purse ! Sir Morglay Thwack's gone home ; his lodging I Have learn'd , and there are certaine Gins prepar'd , In which his wary feete may chance to be Insnar'd ; though he could weare his Eyes upon his Toes ! I must follow the game close ! He is enter'd , And ere this amaz'd , at the strange complexion Of the house , but , 'twas the best our friendship And our treasure could procure . Exit . Eld : Pallatine , Meager , Pert , with Lights . Eld. Pall. Gentlemen ( if you please ) lead me no further ! I have so little faith to believe this , The Mansion of a Lady , that I thinke 'Tis rather the decayes of hell ; a sad Retirement for the Fiend , to sleepe in when Hee's sicke with drinking Sulphure . Pert.

Sir you shall see this upper roome is hung !

Eld. Pall. With Cobwebs Sir , and those so large , they may Catch and ensnare Dragons instead of Flies . Where sit a melancholly race of old Norman Spyders , that came in with Conqueror . Meag. This chamber will refresh your Eyes , when you Have cause to enter it . — Leads him to look in 'tween the hangings . Eld: Pallat. A Bed , and Canopy ! Ther's shew of entertainment there indeed ; There Lovers may have place to celebrate Their warme wishes , and not take cold : but Gentlemen , How comes the rest of this blind house so nak'd , So ruinous , and deform'd ? Pert. Pray Sir sit downe : If you have seene ought strange , or fit for wonder , It but declares the hasty shifts , to which The poore distressed Lady is expos'd , In pursuit of your love . Shee hath good fame , Great dignity and wealth ; and would be loth To cheapen these by making her dull family Bold witnesses of her desires with you : Therefore , t'avoyd suspition , to this place , Sh'ath sent part of her neglected Wardrobe . Meag. And will ere Time growes older by an hower , Guild all this homely furniture at charge Of her owne Eies ; her beames can doe it Sir ! Eld: Pallat.

My manners will not suffer me to doubt !

Pert. Wee hope so too : besides though ev'ry one That hath a heart of's owne , may thinke his pleasure ; We should be loth , your thoughts should throw mistakes On us ; that are the humble Ministers Of your kind stars : for sure , though wee looke not Like men that make Plantation on some Isle That's uninhabited ; yet you believe We would teach Sexes mingle , to increase Men ! Meag.

Squires of the Placket , wee know you thinke us .

Eld: Pall. Excuse my courage Gentlemen ! good faith I am not bold enough to thinke you so . Pert.

Nor will you yet be woo'd to such mistake ?

Eld: Pall. Not all the Art , nor Flattery you have Can render you to my beliefe worse than My selfe : Panders , and Bawds , good Gentlemen I shall be angry , if you perswade mee to So vile a thought ! Pert. Sir you have cause ! And in good faith , if you should thinke us such , Wee would make bold to cut that slender throat . Eld Pall.

How Sir ?

Pert. That very throat , through which the lusty Grape , And sav'ry Morsell in the Gamesters dish , Steale downe so leasurely , with Kingly gust ! Meag Sir it should open wide , as th'widest Oyster I'th Venecian Lake ! Eld. Pall. Gentlemen , it should ! It is a throat I can so little hide In such a cause , that I would whet your Razor for't On my owne shooe . Pert. Enough ! you shall know all ! This Lady hath a Noble Mind ; but 'tis So much o'remastred by her blood , we feare Nothing but death , or you can be her remedy ! Eld: Pallat.

And she is young ?

Meag.

O! as the Aprill Bud !

Eld. Pall.

'Twere pitty faith , she should be cast away !

Pert. You have a soft , and blessed heart ! and to Prevent so sad a period of her sweet breath ; Our selves , this house , the habit of this roome , The Bed within , and your faire person wee Have all assembled in a trice . Eld: Pall. Sure Gentlemen , In my opinion more could not bee done , Were shee Inheretrix of all the East ! Pert. But Sir the excellence of your pure fame , Hath given us boldnesse to make sute , that if You can reclaime her apetite with chaste And wholsome homilies ; such Counsell as Befits your knowne morality , you will Be pleas'd to save her life , and not undoe her honour ? Meag. We hope you will afford her Med'cine by Your meeke and holy Lectures , rather than From any manly exercise , for such In troth Sir you appeare to our weake sight ! Eld. Pall. Brothers , and friends a stile more distant now Cannot be given : though you were in compasse Thick , as the Aspes , I must embrace you both — Y'have hit the very Center , unto which The toyles and comforts of my studies tend ! Pert.

Alas we drew our Arrow but by ayme !

Eld: Pall. Why Gentlemen I have converted more Than ever Gold or Aretine misled : I've Disciples of all degrees in Nature From your little Punque in Purple , to your Tall Canvas Girle , from your Sattin Slipper To your Iron Pattin , and your Norway Shooe ! Pert. And can you mollifie the Mother Sir , In a strong fit . Eld: Pall. Sure Gentlemen I can . If bookes penn'd with a cleane and wholsome spirit , Have any might to edifie ; would they Were here . Meag.

What Sir ?

Eld. Pall. A small Library , Which I am wont to make companion to My idle howers : where some ( I take it ) are A little consonant unto this Theame . Pert.

Have they not names ?

Eld. Pall. A Pill to purge phlybotomy ! a Balsamum For the spirituall backe ! a lozeng against lust ; With divers others Sir , which though not penn'd By dull Platonick Greekes , or Memphian Priests , Yet have the blessed marke of separation Of Authors silenc'd , for wearing short haire . Pert. But Sir , if this chaste meanes cannot restore Her to her health and quiet peace ; I hope You will vouchsafe your Lodging in yon Bed , And take a little paines — Points to the Bed within . Eld: Pallat. Faith Gentlemen , I was Not bred on Scythian Rockes ; Tygers and Wolves I've heard of , but nere suck'd their milke , and sure Much would be done to save a Ladies longing ! Meag.

Tis late Sir . pray uncase ! — They help to uncloath him .

Pert.

Your Boot , believ't , it is my exercise ! —

Eld: Pall. Well ; tis your turne to labour now , and mine Anon , for your deare sakes Gentlemen , I professe — Pert. My friend shall wait upon you to your sheets , Whilst I goe and conduct the Lady hither : Whom if your holy doctrine cannot well Reclaime , pray hazard not her life ; you have A body Sir ! Eld. Pall.

O! think me not cruell ! Ex. Mea. Eld : Pal.

Enter Yo: : Pallatine . Pert.

Pall ! come in Pall !

Yo: Pall.

Is he in Bed ?

Pert. Not yet , But stripping in more haste , than an old snake That hopes for a new skin ! Yo: Pall. If we could laugh In our Coffin Pert , this would be a jeast Long after death : hee is so eager in His witty hopes , that he suspects nothing . Pert. O all he swallowes Sir is melting Conserve , And soft Indian Plum ! Meager , what newes ? Enter Meager . Meag. Layd ! gently layd ! he is all Virgin sure , From the crowne of's head , to his very Navell ! Yo: Pall. Where are his Breeches ? speake ! his Hatband too ! Tis of grand price , the stones are Rosiall , and Of the white Rock ! Meag. I hung'em purposely Aside , th'are all within my reach : shall I in ? Yo: Pall. Soft ! softly my false fiend ! remember Rogue ; You tread on Glasses , Egges , and gowty Toes ! — Meager takes out his Hat and Breeches , the Pockets and Hatband rifled , they throw 'em in agen . Meag. Hold Pall ! th'Exchequer is thine owne ! we will Divide , when thou art gracious and well pleas'd ! Yo: Pal.

All Gold ! the Stals of Lombard-street powr'd into a purse .

Pert.

These deare Pall , are thy Brothers goodly heards !

Yo: Pall. Yes , and his proud Flocks ; but you see what they Come to ? a little roome containes them all At last ; so , so , convay them in agen ! Because he is my Elder Brother ! My Mothers Mayden-head , and a Country Wit , He shall not be exposde to bare thighes , and a Bald Crowne ! what noyse is that ? — knocking within , Pert lookes at doore . Pert. Death ! there's old Snore The Constable ! his wife , a Regiment of Halberds . And Mistresse Queasie too , the Landlady That ownes this house . Meag. Belike th'ave heard , our friend The Bawd , fled hence last night ; and now they come To ceaze on Mooveables for rent ! Young. Pall. The Bed within , and th'Hangings that we hyr'd , To furnish our designe , are all condemn'd , My brother too ; theyle use him with as thin Remorse , as an old Gamester would an Aldermans Heire ! Pert. No matter , our adventure's paid ! follow Pall ! and Ile lead you a backe way , where you Shall climbe ore tiles , like Cats when they make love . Young. Pall. Now I shall laugh at those , that heap up wealth By lazie method , and slow rules of Thrift ; I'm growne the Child of Wit , and can advance My selfe , by being Votary to chance , Exeunt .
ACT. 3. SCEN. 1. Enter Snore , Mistresse Snore , Queasie , and Watchmen . Mist. Snore . Dayes o' my breath , I have not seene the like ! What would you have my husband doe ? 'tis past One by Boe , and the Bell-Man has gone twice ! Queasie . Good Master Snore , you are the Constable , You may doe it ( as they say ) be it right or wrong ! 'Tis foure yeares rent , come Childermas Eve next ! Snore . You see Neighbour Queasie the Dores are open ; Heere's no goods , no Bawde left ; I'ld see the Bawde ! Mist. Snore . I or the Whores ; my husband's the Kings officer , And still takes care I warrant yee of Bawdes , And Whores ! Shew him but a Whore at this time O' night ( Good man ) you bring a bed i' faith ! Queasie . I pray Mistresse Snore let him search the Parish , They are not gone farre , I must have my rent ; I hope there are Whores , and Bawdes in the Parish ! Mist. Snore . Search now ? it is too late ; a woman had As good marry a Cowlestaffe as a Constable ; If he must nothing but search and search , follow His Whores , and Bawds all day , and never comfort His Wife at night : I prethee Lambe let us to Bed ! Snore . It must be late ; for Gossip Nock the Nayleman Had chatechys'd his Maids , and sung three Catches , And a Song , ere we set forth ! Queasie . Good Mistresse Snore , forbeare your husband but To night ; and let the search goe on ! Mist. Snore . I will nor forbeare ; you might ha' let your house To honest women , not to Bawds ! fie upon you ! Queasie . Fie upon me ! tis well knowne I'm the mother Of Children ! Scirvie Fleake ! tis not for nought You boyle Eggs in your Gruell , and your man Sampson Owes my Sonne in law , the Surgeon , Ten groats For Turpentine ; which you have promis'd to pay Out of his Christmasse Box . Mist. Snore . I defie thee . Remember thy first calling , thou setst up With a Peck of Damsens , and a new Sive ; When thou broakst at Dowgate corner , 'cause the Boyes Flung downe thy ware ! Snore .

Keepe the peace Wife ! keepe the peace !

Mist. Snore . I will not peace ; she tooke my silver Thimble To pawne , when I was a Maid ; I paid her A penny a moneth use ! Queasie . A Maid ? yes sure ; By that token , goody Tongue the Midwife , Had a dozen Napkins o' your Mothers best Diaper , to keepe silence ; when she said She left you at Saint Peters Faire , where you Long'd for Pigge ! Snore . Neighbour Queasie , this was not In my time : what my Wife hath done , since I Was Constable , and the Kings Officer , Ile answer : therefore ( I say ) keepe the peace ! And when w'have search'd the two back rooms , Ile to bed ! Peace Wife ! not a word ! Exeunt . Enter Eld. Pallatine clothing himselfe in haste . Eld. Pall. Tis time to get on wings , and fly ! Here's a noyse of Thunder , Wolves , Women , Drums , All that's confus'd , and frights the eare ! I heard Them cry out Bawds ! the sweet young Lady is Surpris'd sure , by the nice slave her husband ; Or some old frosty Matron of neere kinne ; And the good Gentlemen sh' employd to me Are tortur'd , and call'd Bawds ! If I am tane , Ile sweare , I purpos'd her conversion . — Enter Snore , Mist. Snore , Queasie , and Watchmen . Snore . Here's a Roome hung , and a faire Bed within , I take it , there's the hee Bawd too . Queasie . Ceaze on the lewd thing ! I pray Master Snore , ceaze on the Goods too ! Mist. Snore . Who would not be a Bawd ? th'ave proper men To their husbands ; and she maintaines him Like any parish Deputy . Eld. Pall.

What are you ?

Snore . I am the Constable , Eld. Pall. Good , the Constable ? I begin to stroke my long eares , and find I am an Asse ! such a dull Asse , as deserves Thistles for provander , and sawdust too Insteed of Graines ! O I am finely gull'd . Mist. Snore . Truely as proper a Bawd , as a woman Would desire to use ? Eld. Pall. Master Constable , Though these your Squires o'th Blade and Bill seeme to Be courteous Gentlemen , and well taught , yet I would know , why they embrace me ? Snor.

You owe my neighbor ( Mist. Queasie ) foure yeares rent .

Queasie . Yes and for three Bed Teekes and a Brasse Pot ; Which your Wife promis'd me to pay this Terme , For now ( she said ) sh'expects her countrey Customers . Eld. Pall. My Wife ! have I beene led to'th Altar too ; By some doughty Deacon , tane woman by The pretty thumb , and given her a Ring VVith my deare selfe , for better , and for worse , And all in a forgotten dreame ? But for whom Doe you take me ? Snore .

For the he Bawd .

Eld. Pall. Good faith , you may as soone , Take me for a VVhale , which is something rare You know , o' this side the Bridge . Mist Snore . Tis indeed ! Yet our Paul was in the belly of one , In my Lord Majors Shew ; and husband you remember , He beckned you out of the Fishes mouth , And you gave him a Pepin , for the poore soule Had like t'have choak'd , for very thirst . Eld. Pall. I saw it , and cry'd out O'th City , 'cause they would not be at charge To let the Fish swimme in a deeper Sea ! Mist. Snore . Indeed ; why I was but a tiny Girle then ; I pray how long have you beene a Bawde heere ? Eld. Pall. Againe ! how the Devil , Am I chang'd , since my owne Glasse rendred me A Gentleman : well , master Constable , Though ev'ry Stall's your Worships wooden Throane , Heere you are humble , and o' foote ; therefore , I will put on my Hatt ; pray reach it me ! — misses his Diamond Hatband . Death ! my hatband ! a row of Diamonds Worth a thousand Markes ! Nay , it is time then To doubt , and tremble to . My Gold ! my Gold ! — searches his Pockets . And precious stones ! Mist. Snore . Doe you suspect my Husband ? He hath no neede o' your stones , I prayse heaven ! Eld. Pallat. A plague upon your courteous midnight Leaders ! Good silly Saints , they are dividing now , And ministring ( no doubt ) unto the poore ! This will decline the reputation of My Witt ; till I be thought to have a lesse head Then a Iustice o' Peace ! if Morglay hear't , He'le thinke me dull , as a Dutch Marriner ! No med'cine now from thought ? Good ! 'tis design'd ! Snor.

Come along ! 'tis late .

Eld. Pall.

Whither must I goe ?

Queasie .

To the Compter sir , unlesse my rent be payd !

Snore .

And for being a Bawde !

Eld. Pallat. Confin'd in Wanscot Walls too , Like a licorish Rat , for nibling Unlawfully upon forbidden Cheese ! This to the other sawce , is Alloes and Mirrh ! But Master Constable doe you behold this Ring ? It is worth all the Bells in your Church steeple , Though your Sexton , and Side-men hung there too , To better the Peale . Snor.

Well , what's your request ?

Eld. Pall. Mary , that you will let mee goe to fetch The Bawd , the very Bawd , that owes this rent ; Who being brought , you shall restore my Ring : And believe mee to be an arrant Gentleman , Such as in's Scutchion gives Hornes , Hounds , and Hawkes , Hunting Nags , with tall Eaters in Blew Coats , Sance Number ! Quea. Pray let him goe Master Snore ; Wee'l stay and keepe the goods ! Mist. Snor. Yes , let him Husband . For I would faine see a very bee Bawd ! Snor. Come Neighbors , light him out ! Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Pert , Luce , Ginet , Engine , with lights . Ampl. A Forrest full of Palmes , thy Lover ( Luce ) Merits in Girlands for his victory . I'm wild with joy ! why there was wit enough In this designe to bring a Ship o' fooles To shore agen , and make them all good Pilots ! Yo: Pall. Madam , this Gentleman deserves to share In your kind praise , hee was a merry Agent In the whole plot , and would exalt himselfe To your Ladiships service : If you please For my humble sake , unto your Lip too ! — Pert salutes her . Ampl. Sir you are friend to Pallatine , And that entitles you unto much worth . Pert. The title will be better'd ( Madam ) when I am become a Servant to your beauty . Lucy . Why your confederate Pert , is courtly too ; Hee will out-tongue a Favorite of France ! But didst thou leave thy Brother surfetting On lewd hopes ? Yo: Pall. Hee belives all woman kind Dress'd , and ordain'd for th'mercy of his Tooth ! Ampl.

And now lies stretch'd in his smooth slipperie sheets !

Yo: Pall, O like , a wanton Snake on Camamile ! And rifled to so sad remaines of wealth , That if his resolution still disdaine Suppliment from his Lands , and hee resolve To live here by his Wits ; hee will ere long Betroth himselfe to Raddish women for Their roots ; pledge Children in their sucking Bottles , And in darke winter Mornings , rob small School-boyes Of their Honey , and their Bread . Pert. Faith , Meager and I , us'd him with as much Remorse , as our occasions could allow : Las , he must thinke we shreds of time Have our occasions too ! Yo: Pall. What ( Madam ) need he care ? For let him but prove kind unto his Buls , Bring them their Heifers when their Crests are high ; Stroake his faire Ewes , and pimpe a little for His Rammes ; they strait will multiply ; and then The next great Faire , prepares him fit agen , For'th Cities view , and our surprise . Amp. Why this young Gentleman hath relish in't ! Yet when you understand the darke , and deepe Contrivements which my selfe , Engine , and Luce , Have layd for this great witty Villager , To whom you bow as formost of your blood ; You will degrade your selves from all prerogatives , Above our Sexe , and all those pretty Markes Of Manhood ( your trim beards ) sindge oft with Tapers , As a just Sacrifice to our Supremacie ! Luce. If Sir Tirant Thrift , your Phlegmatick Guerdian Leave but this Mansion ours till the next Sunne , We'le make your haughty brother tremble at The name of Woman , and blush behinde a Fanne Like a yawning Bride , that hath fowle Teeth ! Engine . Madame , tis time you were a Bedd ; for sure besides The earnest invitation which I left , Writ in his Chamber , these afflictions will Disturbe his rest , and bring him early hither To recover his sicke hopes . — Enter Meager . Yo. Pall. Meager ! What newes ? Madam , the homage of Your Lip agen ; A Man o' Warre believ't ; One that hath fasted in the face of's foe ; Seene Spinola entrench'd ; sometimes hath spread His butter at the States charge ; sometimes too , Fedd on a Sallad that hath growne upon The Enemies owne Land ; but pardon me , Without or Oyle , or Vineger ! Ample .

Sir , Men in choler may doe any thing .

Meager . Your Ladiship will excuse his new plenty ; It hath made him pleasant . Yo. Pall.

Meager ! what newes ? how doe our Spies prosper ?

Meager . Sir rare discoveries ! I've trac'd your Brother ; You shall heare more anon ! Ginet. Your Ladiship forgets how early your Designes will waken you ? Engine . Madam , I'ld faine be Bold too , to hasten you unto your rest ! Amp. 'Tis late ( indeed ) the silence of the Night And sleep be with you Gentlemen ! Exeunt . Ample , Ginet : Engine Yo. Pall. Madam , good night : but our heads never were Ordain'd to so much triviall leasure as To sleepe : you may as soone entreat A Sexton sleepe in's Bellfry when the Plague reignes ; An aged Sinner in a Tempest , or A jealous States man when his Prince is dying ! Luce. Pray dismisse your friends , I would speake with you . Yo . Pall. Men o'the puissant Pike , follow the lights . — Exeunt Meager, Pert. Luce. Pall , you are as good natur'd to me Pall , As the wife of a silenc'd Minister , Is to a Monarchy , or to lewd Gallants , That have lost a Nose ! Yo. Pall.

And why so Dame Luce !

Luce. So many yellow Images at once Assembled in your fist , and Iewels too Of goodly price , all this free booty got , In lawfull warre , and I no tribute Pall ? Yo. Pall. What neede it Luce ? a Virgin may live cheape : Th'are maintain'd with as small charge as a Wren With Magots , in a Gheesemongers shop ? Luce. Well Pall , and yet you know all my extreames ? How for a little Taffata to line A Maske , I'm faine to mollifie my Mercer With a soft whisper , and a tim'rous blush ; To sigh unto my Millener for Gloves ; That they may trust , and not complaine unto my Aunt ; Who is as jealous of me as their wives , and all Through your demeanor Pall ; whose kindnesse I Perceive , will raise me to such dignitie , That I must teach Children in a darke Cellar , Or worke Coifes in a Garret for crackt Groates , And broken meat ! Yo. Pall. Luce , I will give thee Luce , to buy Luce.

What Pall .

Yo. Pall. An ounce of Arsnick to mixe in thy Aunts Caudels , This Aunt , I must see cold , and grinning , Luce , Seal'd t'her last winke , as if she clos'd her eyes T'avoyd the sight of Feathers , Coaches , and short Cloakes ! Luce. How many Angels of your Family Are there in heaven ? but few I feare , and how , You'le be the first , that shall intitle them To such high calling , is to me a doubt ! Yo. Pallat. Why is there never a Pue there ( Luce ) but for Your coughing Aunt , and you ? Luce. Hadst thou eyes like flaming Beacons , crook'd homes , A tayle three yards long , and thy feet Cloven , Thou couldst not be more a Fiend , then thou art now ; But to advance thy sinnes with being hard , And costive unto me ! Yo. Pall. You lie Luce ! you lie ! — Flings her a Purse . There's Gold ! the Fairies are thy Mintmen Girle , Of this thou shalt have store enough , to make The hungry Academicks mention thee , In Evening Lectures , with aplause , and prayer : A Foundresse thou shalt be . Luce. Of Hospitals ; For your decayed selfe , Meager , and Pert , Those wealthy Vsurers , your poore friends . Yo: Pall. A Nunn'ry Luce , where all the female issue Of our decay'd Nobility shall live Thy Pensioners : it will preserve them from Such want , as makes them quarter Armes with th'City , And match with sawcie Haberdashers Sons , Whose Fathers liv'd in Allyes , and darke Lanes ! Luce. Good night Pall ! your gold Ile lay up , though but T'incounter the next Surgeons Bill ; yet know Our Wits are ploughing too , and in a ground That yields as faire a graine as this ! Yo: Pall. Farewell , and let mee heare thy Aunt is stuck With more Bay leaves and Rose-mary , than a Westphalia Gammon . Exeunt . Enter Elder Pallatine , and Thwack , dressing himselfe . Eld. Pall. Quick , dispatch Knight ! thou art as tedious in Thy dressing , as a Court Bribe ; two ships might Be rigg'd for the Straits , in lesse space than thou Carienst that same old Hulke , can it be thought That one so fill'd with hope and wise designes Could be subdu'd with sleepe , what dull , and drowsie ? Keepe earlier howers than a roost Hen in Winter ? Thwack . Pallatine , the designe grow all Dreame , Magick , And Alchymie to mee : I gave it lost ! Clove to my soft Pillow , like a warme Iustice , And slept there with lesse noyse than a dead Lawyer In a Monument . Eld: Pall.

This is the house ; dispatch , that I may knock .

Thwack . S'light stay , thou think'st I've the dexterity Of a Spaniell , that with a yawne , a scratch On his left eare , and stretching his hind legs , Is ready for all day : O for the Biscayne sleeve , And Bulloigne hose , I wore when I was shrieve , In Eighty Eight ! Eld. Pall. Faith thou art comely Knight ! And I already see the Towne Girles melt , And thaw before thee . Thwack . Wee must be content ! Thou knowst all men are bound to were their limbs I'th same skin that Nature bestowes upon them ; Be it rough or be it smooth ; for my part , If she to whom you lead me now like not The graine of mine , I will not flea my selfe , T'humor the touch of her Ladi-ships fingers ! Eld: Pall. Well I had thought t'have carry'd it with Youth , But when I came to greet her beauties with The Eyes of Love and wonder , shee despis'd mee , Rebuk'd those haughty Squires , her Servants that Convay'd mee thither in mistake , and cry'd , She meant the more Authentick Gentleman , The rev'rend Mounsier , shee ! Thwack . The rev'rend Mounsier ? Why does shee take mee for a French Deane ? Eld. Pal. Her Confessor at least , her secrets are Thine owne ; but by what Charmes attain'd ; Let him determine that has read Agrippa . Thw. Charms ? yes Sir , if this be a Charm — or this — leaps and frisks . Or here againe t'advance th'activity Of a poore old back ! Eld. Pall. No Ape , Sir Morglay , After a yeeres obedience to the Whip , Is better quallify'd ! Thw. Limber , and sound Sir ! Besides , I sing , little Musgrove ; and then For , the Chivie Chase , no Larke comes neere mee ! If shee be t'ane with these , why at her perill bee't ! Eld: Pall.

Come Sir , dispatch ! Ile knock , for here's the house !

Thwack . Stay , stay ! this Lane ( sure ) has no great renowne ! The house too , if the Moone reveal't aright , May for it's small Magnificence be left ( For ought we know ) out of the Cittie Map ! Eld. Pall. Therein consists the Miracle , and when The doores shall ope , and thou behold , how leane And ragged ev'ry roome appeares , till thou Hast reach'd the Sphaere , where shee ( Illustrious ) moves , Thy wonder will be more perplex'd ; for know This Mansion is not hers , but a conceal'd Retirement , which her wisedome safely chose To hide her loose love . Thwack . Give mee a Bagadg that has braines ! but Pallatine , Did not I at first perswade thee , those two Trim Gentlemen , her Squires , might happily Mistake the person unto whom the message was Dispos'd ; and that my selfe was hee ? Eld: Pall. Thou didst ! and thou hast got ( Knight ) by this hand I thinke , the Mogul's Neece ; shee cannot be Of lesse discent ; the height and strangenesse of Her port , denote her forraigne , and of great blood ! Thwack .

What should the Mogul's Neece doe here ?

Eld. Pall. 'Las thy Eares are buried in a Wool-sack ; Thou hear'st no Newes ! 'tis all the voyce in Court , That shee is sent hither in disguise , to learne To play on the Gitarh , and make Almond Butter ! But whether this great Lady that I bring Thee too , be shee ; is yet not quite confirm'd ! Thwack . Thou talk'st o'th high , and strange comportment that Thou found'st her in ! Eld: Pall. Right Sir ! she sat on a rich Persian Quilt , Thridding a Carckanet , of pure , round Pearle , Bigger than Pidgeons Egges ! Thwack .

Those I will sell !

Eld: Pall. Her Maids with little Rods of Rose-marie , And stalks of Lavander , were brushing Ermines skins ; Thw.

Furres for the Winter ! Ile line my Breeches with them !

Eld. Pall. Her young smooth Pages lay , round at her feet ; Cloath'd like the Sophies Sons ; and all at Dice ; The Caster six Wedges a Cubit long Cries one ; another comes a Tun of Pistolets ; And then is cover'd with an Argosie , Laden with Indico , and Cutchynil ! Thwack .

This must be the great Mogul's Neece !

Eld. Pal. As for her Groomes , they all were planted on Their knees , carowsing their great Ladies health In perfum'd Wines , and then straight quallify'd Their wild , voluptuous heats with coole Cerbet , The Turkes owne Iulip ? Thw. Knock , Pallatine ! Quick Rogue ! I cannot hold ; little thought I The Thwack's of the North , should inoculate With the Mogul's of the South ! — Pallatine knocks . Enter Snore . Eld. Pall. Speake softly Master Constable , I've brought The very hee Bawd ! Snor. Blessing on your heart Sir ! My Watch are above at Trea Trip , for a Black Pudding , and a pound o' Suffolke Cheese ; They'l ha'done straight : Pray fetch him to mee , Ile call them downe , and lead him to a by-roome ! Thw.

Pallatine , what's he ?

Eld. Pall. The Ladies steward sir , A sage Phylosopher , and a grave Pandar ! One that hath writ bawdy Sonnets in Hebrew , And those so well , that if the Rabbins were Alive , 'tis thought hee would corrupt their Wives . Follow mee Knight ! — Thw. Pallatine , Halfe the large Treasure that I get is yours ! Eld: Pal. Good faith ( my friend ) when you are once possess'd Of all , 'tis as your Conscience will vouchsafe . Thwack . Do'st thou suspect ? Ile stay here till thou fetch A Bible , and a Cushion , and sweare kneeling ! Eld: Pal. My Faith shall rather couzen mee ; walke in With this Phylosopher — No words ! for hee's A Pythagorian and Professes silence ! My Ring Master Constable — Snore gives him his Ring , then Exit with Thwack . Here yet my Reputation's safe ! should hee Have heard of my mischance , and not accompany'd With this defeat upon himselfe , his Mirth And Tyranny had beene 'bove humane Sufferance ! Now for the Lady Ample , shee ( I guesse ) Lookes on mee with strong fervent Eyes ; shee's rich ; And could I worke her into profit , 'twould Procure my Wit , immortall memory ; But to be gull'd ? and by such Trifles too ; Dull , humble Gentlemen that nere drunke Wine , But on some Coronation day , when each Conduit pisses Claret at the Towne charge ! Well , though tis worse than Steele or Marble to Digest ; yet I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider with disgrace ; But may procure him breath to win the race . Exit .
ACT. 4. SCEN. 1. Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Engine , Meager , Pert , Pallatine richly cloath'd . Engin. Your Brother's in the house ; the Letter which I sent to tempt him hither wrought above The reach of our desires ; My Lady Sir , Hee does believe is sicke to death ; and all , In languishment for his deare love . Yo: Pall. Pert , and Meager , though you have both good faces , They must not be seene here ; there is below , A Brother o'mine ; whom ( I take it ) you Have us'd not overtenderlie . Meag.

S'light he must needs remember us !

Pert. Wee'l sooner stay t'out-face a Basiliske ! Whither shall wee goe ? Yo: Pall. To Snore the Constable : Morglay is still A Pris'ner in his house ; take order for's Release , as I projected , but ( d'you heare ) Hee must not free him till I come . Pert. Pall , will the dull Ruler of the night ( Pall ) Obay thy Edict ! Yo: Pall: His wife will , and she's his Constable ! Name mee but to her , and shee does homage ! Meag.

Enough , wee will attend thee there !

Engin.

This way Gentlemen . Exeunt Engine , Pert , Meager .

Enter Elder Pallatine . Eld: Pal. What's this , an apparition , a Ghost imbroider'd ? Sure he has got the Devill for his Taylor . Yo. Pall.

Good morrow Brother , Morrow !

Eld. Pall. You are in glory sir , I like this flourishing ! The Lilly too , lookes handsome for a Month ; But you ( I hope ) will last out the whole yeare ! Yo. Pall. What flourishing ? O Sir , belike you meane My Cloathes ; th'are Ragges , course homely Ragges , beleev't ; Yet they will serve for'th Winter sir , when I Ride post in Sussex wayes ! — Eld. Pall. This gayetie denotes Some solitary treasure in the Pocket , And so you may become a lender too ; You know , I'm farre from home ! Yo. Pall.

I'le lend nothing , but good Counsell , and Witt ?

Eld. Pall. Why , sure , you have no Factors sir , in Delph , Lyghorne , Aleppo , or'th Venetian Iles , That by their Traffique can advance you thus ; Nor doe you trade i'th City by retaile In our small Wares : All that you get by Law , Is but a dolefull Execution After Arrest ; and for your power in Court ; I know your stockings being on , you are Admitted in the Presence . Yo. Pall. What does this inferre Brother ? Men of designe are chary of their Minutes , Be quicke , and subtile ! Eld. Pall. The Inf'rence is You prosper by my documents ; and what You have atchiev'd must be , by your good Wits ! Yo. Pall. If you had had a Sybill to your Nourse , You could not ( Sir ) have aym'd neerer the truth . I saw your Eares and Baggs , were shut to all Intents of bounty ; therefore was inforc'd Into this way ; and 'twas at first somewhat Against my Conscience too ! Eld. Pall. If not to vex The zealous spirit in you , I would know why ? Yo: Pal. Good faith I've search'd Records , and cannot find That Magna Charta does allow a Subject To live by his Wits ; there is no Statute for't ! Eld. Pall.

Your Common Lawyer was no Antiquary !

Yo. Pal. And then ( credit me Sir ) the Canons of The Church authorize no such thing . Eld: Pall.

You have met with a dull Civillian too !

Yo: Pall. Yet Brother , these impediments cannot Choke up my way ; I must still on ! Eld: Pall. And you believe the Stories of young heires Enforc'd to signe at Mid-night to appease The Sword Mans wrath , may be out-done by you ! Yo: Pall.

I were unkind else , to my owne good parts !

Eld: Pal. And that your Wit has power to tempt from the Severe , grave Bench , the Aldermen themselves , To rifle where you please , for Skarfes , Feathers , And for Race Nags ! Yo: Pal.

It is believ'd Sir , in a trice !

Eld: Pal. And that your wit can lead our rev'rend Matrons , And testy Widowes of fourscore , to scale ( And in their smocks ) for fraile commodities To elevate your Punke ? Yo: Pal. All this Sir , is so easie , My Faith would swallow't , though t'had a sore throat ! Eld: Pal. Give mee thy hand ! This day Ile cut off the entaile Of all my Lands , and dis-inherit thee ! Yo: Pall.

Will you Sir ? I thanke yee !

Eld: Pal. But marke mee Brother ; for there's Iustice in't , Admits of no reproofe ; what should you doe With Land , that have a Portion in your braine , Above all Legacies or heritage ? Yo: Pal.

I conceive you !

Eld: Pal. O to live here , i'th faire Metropolis Of our great Isle , a free Inheritor Of ev'ry modest , or voluptuous wish , Thy young desires can breath ; and not oblieg'd To'th Plough-mans toyles , or lazie Reapers swet ; To make the world thy Farme , and ev'ry Man Lesse witty than thy selfe , Tennant for life ; These are the glories that proclaime a true Phylosophie , and Soule , in him that climbes To reach them with neglect of Fame and Life ! Yo: Pal. He carries it bravely ! As he had felt Nothing that fits his owne remorse ; but know , Sir Eagle , th'higher that you flye , the lesse You will appeare to us , dim sighted Fowle , That flutter here below . Brother , farewell ! They say , the Lady of this house , groanes for Your love , the tame sick foole is rich ; let not Your pride beguile your profit ! Exit . Eld: Pall. I suspect him ! Not all the skill I have In Reason , or in Nature can pronounce Him free , from the defeat upon my Gold , And Iewels ! 'twas like a Brother ! but for His two Confederates ; though I should meet Them in a Mist , darker than Night , or Southerne Fens Produce , my Eies would be so courteous sure , To let mee know them ! Enter Ample , caried in as sicke in a Couch , Luce , Engine , Ginet . Engin. Roome ! More ayre ! if heav'nly Ministers Have leasure to consider or assist The best of Ladies , let them shew it now ! — Luce. How doe you Madam ? Oh , I shall lose The chiefe example of internall love Of gentle grace , and feature , that the world Did ever shew , to dignifie our Sex ! Eng.

Work on ! I must stand Sentinell beneath ! Exit .

Eld: Pal. Is her disease growne up to such extremitie ? Then it is time , I seeme to suffer too ; Or else my hopes will prove sicker than shee ! Luce. More cruell than the Panthar on his prey ! Why speake you not ? no comfort from your Lips ; You Sir that are the cause of this sad hower ! Gin. He stands as if his Legs had taken root ; A very Mandrake ! Eld: Pall. How comes it ( Lady ) all these Beauties that But yesterday did seeme to teach The Spring to flourish and rejoyce , so soone Are wither'd from our sight . Amp. It is in vaine , t'inquire the reason of That griefe , whose remedy is past ; had you But felt so much remorse , or softnesse in Your heart , as would have made you nobly just , And pittifull ; the Mourners of this day Had wanted then , their Dead to weepe upon ! Eld. Pall. Am I the cause ? forbid it gentle heaven ! The Virgins of our Land , when this is told , Will raze the Monumentall building , where My buried flesh shall dwell , and throw my dust Before the sportive windes , till I am blowne About in parcels lesse then Eie-sight can Discerne ! Luce.

Shee listens to you sir ?

Eld. Pal. If I am guilty of neglect ; Give me a taste of dutie , name how farre I shall submit to love ! the mind hath no Disease above recovery , if wee Have courage to remove dispaire ! Ample . O sir , the pride and scornes , with which you first Did entertaine my passions , and regard , Have worne my easie heart away ; my breast Is emptier than mine Eies ; that have distill'd Their Balls to Funerall Dew ! It is too late ! Luce. Ginet , my feares have in them too much Prophecie , I told thee shee would nere recover ! Ginet . For my poore part , I wish no easier Bed At night , then the cold grave where she must lie ! Amp.

Luce , Luce ! intreat the Gentleman to sit !

Luce.

Sit neere her sir ! You heare her voyce growes weake !

Ample . That you may see your scornes could not perswade My love , to thoughts of danger or revenge ; The faint remainder of my breath , Ile waste In Legacies , and Sir to you , you shall Have all , the Lawes will suffer me to give ! Eld. Pall. Who , I ? sweet Saint , take heed of your last deeds ! Your bounty carries cunning Murder in't ; I shall be kill'd with kindnesse , and depart Weeping , like a fond Infant , whom the Nurse Would sooth , too early to his bed ! Luce. Nay Sir , no remedy , you must have all : Though you procur'd her death ; the world shall not Report ; she dy'd beholding to you ! Ginet .

Goe to her Sir , she'ld speake with you agen !

Ample . Sir , if mine Eies , in all their health and glory , Had not the power to warme you into Love , Where are my hopes , now they are dimme , and have Almost forgot the benefit of light ! Eld. Pal. Not love ! Lady ! Queene of my heart ! what oathes Or execrations can perswade your faith From such a cruell jealousie ! Ampl. I'd have some testimony Sir ; if but T'assure the world , my love , and bounty at My death , were both conferr'd on one , that shew'd So much requitall , as declares he was Of Gentle humane race ! Eld. Pall. What shall I doe ? Prescribe mee dangers now , horrid as those Which Mid-night fires beget , in Citties overgrowne ; Or Winter stormes produce at Sea , and try How far my love will make mee venture to Augment th'esteeme of yours ! Ampl. That triall of your love which I request Implies no danger Sir ; 'tis not in mee T'urge any thing , but what your owne desires Would chuse ! Eld: Pall. Name it ! like eager Mastiffs , chain'd From the encounter of their game , my hot Fierce appetite diminisheth my strength ! Ampl. 'Tis onely this : for feare some other should Enjoy you when I'm cold , in my last sleepe ; I would intreat you to sit heare , grow sick , Languish , and dye with mee ! Eld: Pall. How ! dye with you ! Takes Luce aside . 'Twere fit , you hastned her to write downe all Shee can bestow , and in some forme of Law : I feare , shee's mad ! her sences are so lost , Shee'l never find them to her use agen ! Luce.

I pray Sir why ?

Eld. Pall. Did you not heare what a fantastick sute Shee makes , that I would sit and dye with her ? Luce. Does this request seeme strange ? you will doe little For a Lady , that deny to bring her Onward her last journey ; or is't your thrift ? Alas you know , soules travell without charge ! Eld: Pall.

Her little skull is tainted too !

Ampl.

Is hee not willing Luce ?

Eld. Pall. My best deare Lady , I am willing to Resigne my selfe to any thing but death ! Doe not suspect my kindnesse now ; In troth I've businesse upon Earth will hold me here At least a score or two of yeares ; but when That's done ; I am content to follow you ! Amp. If this perswasion cannot reach at your Consent ; yet let mee witnesse so much love In you , as may enforce you languish , and Decay , for my departure from your sight . Luce. Can you doe lesse than languish for her death ? Sit downe here , and begin ! true sorrow Sir , If you have any in your brest will quickly Bring you low enough ! Eld. Pall. Alas good Ladies ! do you think my languishment And griefe is to begin upon mee now ? Heaven knowes how I have pin'd , and groan'd , since first Your letter gave mee knowledge of the cause ! Luce.

It is not seene Sir in your face !

Eld. Pall. My face ! I grant you ; I bate inwardly ! I'm scorch'd , and dry'd , with sighing to a Mummie : My Heart , and Liver are not big enough To choke a Daw ! A Lamb layd on the Altar for A sacrifice hath much more entrailes in't ! Luce.

Yet still , your sorrow alters not your face ?

Eld. Pall. Why no , I say ! No man , that ever was Of Natures making hath a face moulded With lesse helpe for hypocrisie than mine ! Ginet .

Great pitty Sir !

Eld. Pall. Though I endur'd the Diet and the Flux ; Lay seven dayes buried up to'th Lips like a Deceas'd sad Indian in warme sand ; whilst his Afflicted Female wipes his salt foame off With her owne haire , feeds him with Buds of Guacum For his salad ; and Pulpe of Salsa for His Bread ; I say , all this endur'd , would not Concerne my face ! Nothing can decline that ! Amp.

Yet you are us'd Sir , to bate inwardly !

Eld. Pall.

More than heires unlanded , or unjoynter'd Wives .

Enter Engine . Engin.

What shall wee doe ? Sir Tirant Thrift's come home !

Eld. Pall.

Sir Tirant Thrift !

Luce.

My Ladies Guardian Sir !

Amp.

He meets th'expected hower , just to my wish !

Luce.

What , hath hee brought a husband for my Lady ?

Engin. There is a certaine one legg'd Gentleman , Whose better halfe of limbs is wood ; for whom Kind Nature did provide no hands , to prevent Stealing ; and to augment his gracefulnesse , Hee's crooked as a Witches Bin ! Luce.

Is he so much wood ?

Engin. So much , that if my Lady were in health , And married to him , as her Guardian did Propose , wee should have an excellent generation Of bedstaff . Luce.

When does hee come ?

Engin. To night if his slow Litter will consent ; For they convay him tenderly , lest his Sharpe bones should grate together : Sir Pallatine , I wish you could escape my Masters sight ! Eld. Pall.

Is hee comming hither ?

Engin. Hee's at the doore ! My Ladies sicknesse was No sooner told him , but hee straight projects To proffer her a Will of his owne making ! Hee meanes Sir to be heire of all : if hee Should see you here , hee would suspect my loyaltie , And doubt you for some cunning Instrument , That meanes to interrupt his covetous hopes ! Eld. Pall.

Then Ile be gon .

Engin. No Sir , hee needs must meet you in Your passage downe ! besides , it is not fit For you , and your great hopes , with my dependancie On both , to have you absent when my Lady dyes ; I know you must have all : Sir I could wish That wee might hide you here ! — Draw out the Chest within , that's big enough To hold you : it were dangerous to have My Ladies Guardian to find you Sir ! — They draw in a Chest . Eld. Pall. How ! layd up like a brush'd Gowne , under lock And key ! By this good light , not I ! Luce. O Sir , if but to save the honour of Your Mistris fame , what will hee thinke to see So comely , and so straight a Gentleman Converse here with a Lady in her Chamber ! And in a time that makes for his suspition too , When hee's from home ! Eld. Pall. I hate enclosure , I ; It is the humor of a distress'd Rat ! Ginet . It is retirement Sir , and you'l come forth Agen , so sage ! Ampl.

Sir Pallatine ! —

Luce.

Your Lady cals Sir , to her , and be kind !

Amp. Will you permit the last of all my howers Should be defil'd with Infamie , proclaim'd By lewder Tongues , to be unchaste ev'n at My death ? what will my Guardian guesse to find You here ? Eld. Pal. No more , Ile in ! but think on't gentle Lady ! First to bate inwardly , and then to have My outward person shut thus and inclos'd From day light , and your company ; I say But thinke , if't be not worse than death ! — He enters the Chest . Amp.

Locke him up Luce , safe as thy Mayden-head ! —

Enter Sir Tirant Thrift . Thrift .

Engine , where's my charge Engine , my deare charge ?

Engin. Sick as I told you Sir , and lost to all The hope , that earthly med'cine can procure ! Her Physitions have taken their last fees , And then went hence shaking their empty heads , As they had left lesse braine than hope ! Thrift .

Alas poore Charge ! come , let me see her Engine !

Luc. At distance Sir , I pray , for I have heard Your breath is somewhat sowre , with overfasting Sir , On Holy-day Eeves ! Thrift .

Ha! what is shee Engine ?

Engin. A pure , good soule , one that your Ward desir'd For love and kindreds sake , t'have neere her at Her death ; shee'l outwatch a long Rush Candle , And reades to her all night the Posie of Spirituall Flowers ! Thrift .

Does she not gape for Legacies ?

Engin. Fye no! there's a Cornelian Ring , perhaps Shee aimes at , cost Ten Groats ; or a wrought Smock , My Lady made now 'gainst her wedding Sir ; Trifles which Maids desire to weepe upon With Fun'rall Tales , after a Midnight Possit . Thrift .

Thou saydst below , shee hath made mee her heire .

Engin.

Of all , ev'n to her Slippers and her Pins !

Amp.

Luce , me thought Luce , I heard my Guardeans voyce !

Engin. It seemes her senses are growne warme agen ; Your presence will recover her ! Thrift .

Will it recover her , then Ile be gon !

Engin. No Sir , shee'l straight grow cold agen ! On ! on ! She looks that you would speake to her . Thrift . Alas poor Charge ! I little thought to see This dolefull day . Amp.

Wee all are mortall Sir !

Thrift . I've taken care , and labour , to provide A Husband for thee ; hee's in's Litter now , Hastening to Towne ; a fine young Gentleman ! Onely a little rumpled in the womb , With fals his Mother tooke , after his making . Amp. Death is my husband now ! but yet I thanke You for your tender paines , and wish you would Continue it in quiet governing my Legacies , When I am past the power to see it Sir ; You shall enjoy all ! Thrift . This will occasion more Church building ; And raising of new Hospitals ; there were Enow before ; but Charge you'l have it so . Amp. Ile make Sir one request ; which I have hope , You'l grant in thankfulnesse to all my bounty ! Thrift . O deare Charge ! any thing ! Your Couzen here Shall witnesse the consent and Act , Amp. Because I would not have my vanities Remaine , as fond examples to perswade An imitation in those Ladies that Succeed my youthfull Pride i'th Towne : my Plumes , Fantastick Flowers , and Chaines : my haughty Rich Embroideries : my gawdy Gownes , and wanton Iewels , I have lock'd within a Chest ! Luce.

There Sir , there the Chest stands .

Ampl.

And I desire it may be buried with mee !

Thrift .

Engine , take care Engine , to see it done !

Ampl. Now Sir , I beseech you leave mee : for 'twill But make my death more sorrowfull , thus to Continue my converse with one , I so Much love , and must forsake at last . Thrift .

Alack , alack ! bury her to night Engine !

Engin. Not Sir , unlesse shee dies . Her Ancestors Have sojourn'd long here in St. Bartholmewes , And there's a Vault i'th Parish Church , kept only For her Family ; shee must be buried there . Thrift . I Engine , I , and let mee see ; the Church Thou knowst , joynes to my house , a good prevention From a large walke ; 'twill save the charge of Torch-light . Engin. What Fun'rall Ghests ? the neighbours Sir , will looke To be invited ! Thrift . No more than will suffise To carry downe the Corps ; and thou knowst Engine , Shee is no great weight . Engin.

And what to entertaine them Sir ?

Thrift . A little Rose-marie , which thou mayst steale From th'Temple Garden ; and as many Comfits As might serve to Christen a Watchmans Bastard : Twill be enough ! Engin. This will not doe ! Your Citizen Is a most fierce devourer Sir of Plums ! Six will destroy as many as can make A Banquet for an Armie ! Thrift . Ile have no more , Engine . Ile have no more ! nor ( d'you heare ) no Burnt wine ; I doe not like this drinking healths to'th memory O'th dead ; it is prophane . Engin. You are obay'd ! But Sir , let mee advise you now to trust The care , and benefit of all your fate Presents you in this house , to my discretion ; And get you instantly to horse agen . Thrift .

Why Engine , speake ?

Engin. In briefe , you know , that all The Writings which concerne your Wards estate , Lye at her Lawyers , fifteene Miles from hence ! Your credit , hee not knowing ( Sir ) shee's sick , Will eas'ly tempt them to your owne Possession : Which , once injoy'd , y'are free from all litigious sutes His envie might incense her Kindred to ! Thrift .

Enough Engine , I am gone !

Engin. If you should meet the crooked Lover in His Litter Sir ( as 'tis in your owne rode ) You may perswade him move like a Crab , backward ; For here's no mixture , but with wormes . Thrift . 'Tis well thought on Engine ! farewell Engine ! Be faithfull , and be rich ! — Engin. My breeding and Good manners Sir , teach mee t'attend your bounty ! Thrift . But Engine , I could wish , shee would be sure To dye too night ! Engin. Alas good Soule ! Ile vndertake Shee shall doe any thing to please you Sir ! Exit Thrift . Ampl. Engine , thou hast wrought above the power Of Accident , or Art ! Engin. If you consider't with a just And lib'rall braine : first , to prevent Th'accesse , and tedious visits of the Fiend His love-sick Monster ; and then rid him hence , Vpon a journey to preserve this house Empty , and free to celebrate the rest Of our designes ! Luce. This Engine , is thy Holly-day ! — Luce knocks at the Chest . What hoa ! Sir Pallatine , are you within ? Eld: Pall.

Is Sir Tirant Thrift gone ? open Lady ! open !

Luce. The Cazement Sir I will , a little to Increase your witships allowance of aire ! — opens a wicket at th'end of the Chest . But th'troth , for liberty of limbs , you may As soone expect it in a Gally Sir , After six Murders and a Rape ! Eld. Pall.

How , Lady of the Lawne !

Luce. Sir Launcelot , You may believ't , if your discreet faith please ; This Tenement is cheape ; here you shall dwell , Keepe home , and be no wanderer ! Eld. Pal. The Pox take mee if I like this ! sure when Th'advice of th'Ancients is but ask'd , they'l say I am now worse , than in the state of a Bawd ! Engin.

D'you know this Lady Sir ?

Eld: Pall. The Lady Ample ! Her vayle's off too ! and in the lusty garb Of health , and merriment ! Now shall I grow As modest as a snayle that in's affliction Shrinks up himselfe , and's hornes into his shell , Asham'd still to be seene . Ampl. Couldst thou believe , Thou bearded Babe ! thou dull ingenderer ! Male rather in the back , than in the braine , That I could sicken for thy love ? for th'cold Society of a thin Northerne Wit ! — Eld : Pallatine sings . Eld. Pal. Then Troyains waile with great remorse , The Greekes are lock'd i'th wooden horse ! Enter Yo: : Pallatine . Luce. Pall , come in Pall ! tis done ! the spacious Man Of Land , is now contented with his owne length . Ample .

Your Brother's come to see you Sir !

Eld. Pa. Brother ! Mad Girles these I couldst thou believ't sirrah ! I am Coffin'd up like a Salmon Pye , New sent from Den'shire for a token ! Come , Breake up the Chest ! Yo. Pall.

Stay Brother ! whose Chest is it ?

El. Pall. Thou'lt aske more questions then a Constable In's sleepe ! prethee dispatch ! Yo. Pall. Brother , I can , But marke the Malice and the envy of Your Nature : I am no sooner exalted To rich Possessions , and a glorious meen ; But straight you tempt mee to a forfeiture Of all ; to commit Felony ; breake open Chests ! Eld Pall.

O for Dame Patience ! the Fooles Mistresse !

Yo. Pall. Brother , you have prayd well , heaven send her you ! You must forsake your owne faire fertile soyle , To live here by your Wits ! Luce. And dreame Sir of Enjoying goodly Ladies six yards high ! With Sattin Traines behind them ten yards long ! Amp. Cloth'd all in Purple , and imbroadred with Embossements wrought in Imag'ry , the works O'th ancient Poets drawne into similitude , And cunning shape ! Gin.

And this attain'd Sir by your Wits !

Yo: Pall. Nothing could please your haughty Pallat but The Muskatelli , and Frantiniak Grape ! Your Turin and your Tuscan Veale , with Red Legg'd Partridge of the Genoa hils ! Engin. With your broad Liver o'th Venecian Goose ; Fatned by a Iew ; and your aged Carpe , Bred i'th Geneva Lake ! Ampl. Luce. Ginet .

All this maintain'd Sir by your Wits !

Engin. And then you talk'd Sir of your Snailes t'ane from The dewy Marble Quarries of Carrara , And sows'd in Luca Oyle ; with Creame of Zwitzerland , And Genoa pasle . Yo: Pall. Your Angelots of Brie ! Your Marsolini , and Parmasan of Lodi ! Your Malamucka Mellons , and Cicilian Dates ! And then to close your proud voluptuous Maw , Marmalad made , by the cleanely Nunnes of Lisbone ! Ample . Luce. Ginet .

And still thus feasted by your wits !

Eld. Pall.

Deafned with tyranny ! is there no end !

Ample . Yes Sir , an end of you ; you shall be now Convay'd into a closse darke Vault ; there keepe My silent Grandsire company ; and all The Musicke of your groanes , engrosse to your owne eares ! Eld: Pall.

How ! buried , and alive ?

Yo. Pall. Brother ! your hand ! — Farewell ! I'm for the North ! the fame of this Your voluntary death , will there be thought Pure courtesie to me ; I meane to take Possession sir , and patiently converse With all those Hindes , those Heards , and Flocks , That you disdain'd in fulnesse of your Wit ! Luce.

Helpe Pall to carry him ! he takes it heavily ! —

Eld. Pall. I'le not endur't ! fire ! murder ! fire ! treason ! Murder ! treason ! fire ! — Amp. Alas you are not heard ! The house containes none but our selves ! Ex. carying out the Chest . Enter Thwack , Pert , Meager . Pert.

We bring you sir , commends from Pallatine !

Thwack . I had as'live , y' had brought it from the Devill ! Together with his hornes boyld to a Ielly , For a Cordiall against lust ! Meag. We meane the younger Pallatine ; one Sir , That loves your person , and laments this chance , Which his false brother hath exposde you to ! Pert. And as we told you sir , by his command , We have compounded with the Constable ; In whose darke house , y'are now a Prisoner ! But sir , take't on my Faith ; you must disburse ! For Gold is a restorative , as well To libertie as health ! Thwack . And you beleeve ( It seemes ) that your small-tinie Officer Will take his Unction in the Palme as lovingly , As your exalted Grandee , that awes all With hideous voyce , and face ! Pert.

Even so the Moderns render it !

Thwack . But Gentlemen , you aske a hundred pounds ; Tis all I've left ! Pert. Sir doe but thinke what a Prodigious blemish it will be , both to Your ingenuitie , and fame , to be Betrayd by one , that is believ'd , no wittier than Your selfe , and lye imprison'd for a Bawd ! Thwack . Sir name it not ! You kill mee through the eare ! I'd rather Sir , y'ould take my Mother from Her grave , and put her to doe Pennance in Her winding sheet : there is the Sum ! — Meag.

I'le in Sir , and discharge you ! Exit Meager .

Thw. These carnall Mulcts and Tributes are design'd Onely to such vaine people as have Land ; Are you , and your friend Landed Sir ? Pert.

Such land as wee can share Sir in the Map !

Thw. Lo'you there now ! These live by their Wits ! Why should not I take the next Key I meet , And open this great head ; to try , if there Be any braines left , but sowre Curds , and Plum-broth ! Couzen'd in my Youth ! couzen'd in my Age ! Sir , doe you judge , if I have cause to curse This false , inhumane Towne ! when I was young , I was arrested for a stale commoditie Of Nut-crackers , long Gigs , and Casting Tops : Now I am old , imprison'd for a Bawd ! Pert.

These are sad Tales !

Thw. I will write downe to'th Country , to dehort The Gentry from comming hither , Letters Of strange dire Newes ; You shall disperse them Sir ! Pert.

Most faithfully !

Thw. That there are Lents , six yeares long proclam'd by th'State ! That our French and Deale Wines are poyson'd so With Brimstone by the Hollander , that they Will onely serve for Med'cine to recover Children of the Itch ; and there is not left Sack enough , to mull for a Parsons cold ! Pert.

This needs must terrifie !

Thw. That our Theaters are raz'd downe ; and where They stood , hoarse Midnight Lectures preach'd by Wives Of Comb-makers , and Mid-wives of Tower-Wharfe ! Pert.

'Twill take impregnablie !

Thw. And that a new Plantation Sir ( marke me ) Is made i'th Coven Garden , from the Sutlerie O'th German Campes , and the Suburbs of Paris , Where such a salt disease regnes as will make Sassafras dearer than Vnicornes Horne ! Pert. This cannot chuse but fright the Gentry hence ; And more impoverish the Towne , than a Subversion of their Faire of Bartholmew , The absence of the Termes , and Court ! Thw. You shall ( if my projections thrive ) in lesse ( Sir ) than a yeare ; stable your horses in The New Exchange , and graze them in the Old ! — Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Meager , Queasie , Snore , Mist : Snore . Pert.

Iog off ! there's Pall , treating for your liberty !

Yo: Pall. The Canopy , the Hangings , and the Bed , Are worth more than your Rent ! come , y'are overpaid ! Besides , the Gentleman's betray'd ! hee is no Bawd ! Snor. Truely , a very civill Gentleman ! 'Las , hee hath onely roar'd , and sworne , and curs'd Since hee was t'ane : no bawdry Ile assure yee ! Mist : Snor.

Gossip Queasie ! what a good'yer would ye have ?

Quea.

I am content , if you and I were friends !

Yo: Pall. Come , come agree ! 'tis I that ever bleed , And suffer in your wars ! Mist. Snor. Sweet Master Pallatine , here me but speake ! Have I not often said , Why neighbour Queasie , Come to my house ; besides , your Daughter Mall , You know , last Pompeon time , din'd with me thrice ! When my childs best yellow stockings were missing ; And a new Pewter Porenger mark'd with P. L. Snor.

I for Elizabeth Snore !

Mist : Snor.

The Pewterer that mark'd it was my Uncle !

Quea.

Why , did my Daughter steale your goods ?

Mist. Snor. You heare me say nothing ! but there is As bad as this ( I warrant yee ) learn't at The Back-house ! Ile have an Oven o'mine owne shortly ! Yo: Pall. Come , no more words ! there's to reconcile you In Burnt wine , and Cake ! Goe , get you all in ! I'm full of businesse , and strange Mistery ! Exeunt Snore , Mist : Snore , Queasie . Meag. A hundred Pall ! 'twas all his store ; it lies Here my brave Boy , warme , and secure in Pouch ! Pert. Wee'l share't anon . — What need your blush Sir Morglay , Like a Mayd newly undone in a darke Entrie ? There are disasters sure , as bad As yours Recorded in the Citie Annals ! Thw. Your Brother is a Gentleman of a Most even , and blessed composition , Sir ; His very blood is made of Holy-Water , Lesse salt , than Almond-milke ! Yo: Pall. My silly reprehension's were dispis'd ; Y'would be his Disciple , and follow him , In a new Path , unknowne to his owne feet . Yet I've walk't in it since ; and prosper'd as You see , without or Land , or Tenement . Thw. Tis possible to live b'our Wits ! that is As evident as light , no humane learning Shall advise me from that Faith ! Yo: Pall. Sir Knight , what will you give worthy my braine , And mee ; if after a concealement of Your present shame , I can advise you , how , T'achieve such store of wealth , and treasure , as Shall keepe you here , th'exemplar glory of The Towne , a long whole yeare , without reliefe Or charge , from your owne Rents . This ( I take it ) Was the whole Pride , at which , some few dayes since , Your fancie aym'd ! Thw. This was Sir in the howres Of haughtinesse and hope ! but now — Yo: Pal. Ile do't : whilst my poore Brother too ; low , and Declin'd , shall see , and envie it . Thwack . Live in full port ; observ'd , and wondred at ? Wine , ever flowing in large Saxon Romekins About my board ; with your soft sarsnet smock At night ; and forreigne Musick to entranse ? Yo: Pall. All this , and more than thy invention can Invite thee too . Thw. Ile make thee heire of my Estate ! take my right hand , and your two friends For witnesses ! Yo: Pall. Enough ! heare mee with haste ! The Lady Ample's dead ! — Nay there are things Have chanc'd since your concealment far more fit For wonder Sir , than this : Out of a silly piety , T'avoyd a thirst of Gold , and gawdy Pride I'th world ; sh'ath buried with her in a Chest , Her Iewels , and her Clothes ; besides , as I'm Enform'd by Luce ( my wise Intelligence ) Five thousand pounds in Gold ; a Legacie , Left by her Aunt more than her Guardian knew ! Thwac.

Well , what of this ?

Yo: Pall. Your selfe , and I , joyn'd Sir in a most firme And loyall League , may rob this Chest ! Thwack .

Marrie , and will !

Yo: Pall. Then when your promise is but ratify'd , Take all the treasure for your owne expence ! Thw. Come let us goe ; My fingers burne till they Are telling it ! The night will grow upon's ! Onely you and I , I'le not trust new Faces : Dismisse these Gentlemen ! Yo: Pall.

At the next street Sir !

Thw. This is at least a girne of Fortune , if Not a faire smile . I'm still for my old Problem ; Since the living rob mee , Ile rob the dead ! Yo: Pall. On my delicious Pert ! Now is the time To make our Purses swell , and Spirits climbe ! Exeunt omnes .
ACT. 5. SCEN. 1. Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Luce , Engine , with a Torch . Yo. Pall. Engine , draw out the Chest , and ope the Wicket ! Let us not hinder him the ayre , since tis Become his food ! Eld, Pall.

Who's there ? what are you ? speak !

Amp. A brace of mourning Virgins Sir ; that had You dy'd in Love , and in your Wits , would now Have brought Roses , and Lillies , Buds of the Brier , And Summer Pinks to strew upon your Herse ! Eld. Pall.

Then you resolve mee dead !

Luce.

'Twere good that you would so resolve your selfe !

Yo: Pall. She counsells you to wise and severe thoughts ; Why , you are no more mortify'd , then Men That are about to dance the Morrice ! Eld. Pall. Ladies , and Brother too ( whom I beginne To worship now , for tendernesse of heart ) Can you believe , I am so leaden , stupid , And so very a Fish , to thinke you dare Thus murther me in bravery of Mirth , You haue gone farre : part of my suff'rance I Confesse a justice to me ! Amp. O , doe you so ! Hath your heart , and braine mett upon that point ; And render'd you silly to your owne thoughts ! Eld. Pall. Somewhat mistaken i'th projection of My journey hither ! Three houres in a Chest Among the dead ; will profit more than three Yeares in a Study ; 'Mongst Fathers , Schoolemen , And Phylosophers ! Yo. Pal. And y'are perswaded now , that there is relatiue To'th maintaining of a poore younger Brother , Something beside his Witts ? Eld: Pall.

'Tis so conceiv'd !

Ample . And that we Ladies of the Towne , or Court , Have not such waxen hearts , that ev'ry beame From a hott Lovers Eie , can melt them through Our Breasts ? Eld. Pall.

Faith , 'tis imagin'd too !

Luce. That though th'unruly Apetites of some Perverted few , of our fraile Sex , have made Them yield their honors to unlawfull love ; Yet there is no such want of you Male-sinners As should constraine them hyre you to't with Gold ? Eld. Pall. Y'have taught me a new Musick , I am all Consent , and concordance ! Engin. And that , the nimble packing hand , the swift Disordred shufille , or the slurr ; or his More base imployment , that with youth , and an Eternall back , engenders for his bread ; Doe all belong to Men , that may be said To live sir , by their Sinnes , not by their Witts ! Eld. Pall. Sir , whom I love not , nor desire to love , I am of your minde too ! Yo, Pall. Madame , a faire conversion , 'tis now fit I sue unto you , for his libertie ! Ample . Alas he hath so profited in this Retirement , that I feare he will not willingly Come out ! Eld. Pall.

O Lady , doubt it not ! Open the Chest !

Amp.

A litle patience Sir ! Enter Ginet .

Ginet . Madam , we are undone , your Guardian is At dore , knocking as if he meant to wake All his dead Neighbours in the Church ! Ample .

So soone return'd ! it is not midnight yet !

Engin. I know the bayt that tempts him backe with such Strange hast ; and have according to your will Provided ( Madam ) to betray his hopes ! Ample .

Excellent Engine !

Engine . This Key convayes you through the Chancell to The house Gall'ry ! My way lies here ; Ile let Him in , and try how our designe will relish ! — Exit Engine . Ample . Come sir , it is decreed in our wise Counsell , You must be layd some distance from this place ! Eld. Pall.

Pray save your labour ( Madam ) I'le come forth !

Amp.

No sir , not yet !

Eld. Pal.

Brother , a cast of your voyce !

Yo. Pall. She hath the Key Brother ! tis but an howers Darke contemplation more ! Eld. Pall.

Madam , here me speake .

Ampl. Nay , no beginning of orations now ; This is a time of great dispatch , and hast ; We have more plots then a Generall in a siedge ! — Ex. carrying out the Chest . Enter Thrift , Engine . Engine . None of the Writings Sir , and yet perplex Your selfe , with so much speed in a returne ! Thrift . The Lawyer was from home , but Engine , I Had hope to have prevented by my hast , Though not her Fun'rall , yet the Fun'rall of The Chest ; Ah deare Engine , tell me but why So much pure innocent Treasure , should be Thus throwne into a darke forgetfulnesse ! Engine . I thought , I had encountred his intents ! All Sir , that Law , allow'd her bounty to Bestow , is yours ; but for the Chest ; trust me , 'Tis buried sir ; the Key is here sir , of no use ! Thrift .

Hah , Engine ! Give it me ! —

Engin. And Sir , to vex your meditation more , Though not with Manners , yet with truth ; know there Is hidden in that Chest , a plenteous heape Of Gold ; together with a Rope of most Inestimable Pearle , left by her late Dead Aunt by will , and kept from your discovery ! Thrift .

Is this true , Engine ?

Engin. That precise Chit Luce , her couzen Puritan Was at th'interring of't ; conceal'd it till The Fun'rall formes were past ; and then forsooth , Shee boasted that it was a pious Meanes , To avoyd covetous desires i'th world ! Thrift . These Fun'rall tales ( Engine ) are sad indeed ; Able to melt an Eye , though harder than That heart , which did consent to so much cruelty Vpon the harmlesse Treasure ! Eng.

I mourne within Sir too !

Thrift . Give mee the Key , that leads me from my house , Vnto the Chauncell doore ! Engin.

Tis very late Sir , whither will you goe ?

Thrift .

Never too late too pray ; My heart is heavie !

Engin.

Where shall I wait you Sir ?

Thrift .

At my low Gall'ry doore , I may chance stay long .

Engin. This takes mee more than all the kindnesse Fortune Ever shew'd mee : a desent transmutation . I am no more your Steward , but your Spie ! Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Pert , Meager , Snore , and Watchmen . Yo: Pall. There , there's more Mony for your Watch ; me thinks Th'ave not drunke Wine enough ; they doe not chirpe ! Snor. Your Wine mates them , they understand it not . But they have very good capacity in Ale ; Ale Sir , will heat 'um more than your Biefe Brewis ! Yo: Pall.

Well , let them have Ale then .

Snor. O Sir , 'twill make 'um sing like the Silk-knitters Of Cock-lane ! Yo: Pall. Meager , goe you to Sir Tirant Thrifts house , Luce , and the Lady are alone , they will Have cause to use your diligence , make haste ! Meag.

Your dog , ty'd to a Bottle , shall not out-run me ! Exit .

Yo: Pall. Pert , stay you here with Master Constable ; And when occasion cals , see that you draw Your lusty Bill-men forth ; bravley advanc'd Vnder the Colours of Queene Ample , and My selfe , her Generall ! Pert.

If Ale can fortifie , feare not ! where's Sir Morglay ?

Yo: Pall. I'm now , to meet him i'th Church-yard ; th'old Blade Sculks there like a tame filcher , as hee had Nere stolne 'bove Egges from Market women ; Robb'd an Orchard , or a Cheese loft ! Snor.

Wee'l wait your worship in this corner .

Yo: Pall.

No stirring , till I either come , or send .

Snor. Pray Sir let's not stay long , 'tis a cold night ; And I have nothing on my Bed at home , But a thin Coverlet , and my wives Sey Petti-coat : Shee'l nere sleepe ( poore soule ) till I come home To keepe here warme ! Yo: Pall. You shall be sent for strait ! Be merry my dull Sons o'th Night , and Chirpe ! Exit . Snor. Come , neighbour Runlet ! sighing payes no Rent , Though the Land-Lady be in love ! Sing out — They sing a Catch in foure Parts . With Lanthorne on Stall ; at Trea Trip wee play , For Ale , Cheese , and Pudding , till it be day : And for our Break-fast ( after long sitting ) Wee steale a Street Pig , o'th Constables gitting . Enter Engine . Engin. Sir , draw downe your Watch into the Church , And let 'um lie hid close by the Vestrie dore ! Pert.

Is hee there already ?

Engin. Fat Carriers Sir , make not more haste to bed , Nor leane Phylosophers to rise ; I've so Prepar'd things , that hee'l find himselfe mistaken ! Pert.

Close by the Vestry dore !

Eng. Right sir , Ile to my Lady , and expect th'event of your surprise ! Pert. Follow Master Constable , one , and one : All in a File ! — Exeunt . Enter Thrift , with a Candle . Thrift . I cannot find where they have layd her Coffin ! But there's the Chest ; Ile draw it out , that I May have more roome , to search , and rifle it ! — The weight seemes easie to me , though my strength Be old ; how long , thou bright all powerfull minerall , Might'st thou lie hid , ere the dull dead , that are Entomb'd about thee here , could reach the Sense , To turne wise Thieves , and steale thee from oblivion ! — opens it , and finds a Halter . How ! a Halter ! what Fiend affronts mee with This Emblem ! Is this the Rope of Orient Pearle ? — Enter Pert , Snore , Watchmen . Pert. Now I have told you Master Constable , The intire plot ; marke but , how like that Chest , Is to the other , where the Elder Pallatine Lies a Perdu ; Engine contriv'd them both ! Thrift .

Hah ! what are these , the Constable and Watch ?

Pert.

Ceaze on him for no lesse than sacriledge !

Thrift .

Why neighbors , Gentlemen !

Pert.

Away with him .

Snor. Wee shall know now , who stole the Wanscot Cover From the Font , and the Vicar's Surplisse ! Pert. Alas grave Sir , become a forfeiture To'th King , for Sacriledge ! Thrif.

Heare me but speake !

Snor.

No , not in a cause against the King !

Pert. Lead to's owne house ! he shall be Pris'ner there , And lock'd up safe enough . Thrift .

Vndone for ever ! — Exeunt .

Enter Yo: : Pallat : Thwack , with an Iron Crow , and dark Lanthorn . Thw. Why this was such a firke of Piety , I nere heard of : Bury her Gold with her ? Tis strange her old shooes were not interr'd too ; For feare the dayes of Edgar should returne , When they coyn'd Leather . Yo. Pal.

Come Sir , lay down your Instrument !

Thw.

Why so ?

Yo: Pal. I'm so taken with thy free jolly Nature , I cannot for my heart proceed to more Defeat upon thy liberty : all that I told thee were ranke lyes ! Thw.

How ! no treasure trovar !

Yo: Pal. Not so much as will pay for that small Candle light We waste to find it out ! Thwack .

I thanke you Sir ! — Flings downe the Crow of Iron .

Yo. Pal. You shall have cause , when you heare more ; to this Darke region Sir , solemne , and silent , as Your thoughts must be , ere they are mortify'd . Have I now brought you , to perceive what an Immense large Asse ( under your favour Knight ) You are to be seduc'd , to such vaine stratagems By that more profound Foppe , your friend , my Brother ! Thw. How had I been serv'd , if I'ad brought my scales Hither , to weigh this Gold ? but on ! your brother ! Whose name ( let me tell you first ) sounds far worse To me then does a Sergeant to a young Indebted Lover , that's arrested in his Coach , And with his Mistris by him ! Yo: Pall. You are believ'd : but will you now confirme Me to your grace and love , if I shall make't Appeare , that in a kind revenge of what You suffred Sir , I've made this false , and great Seducer of Mankind , to suffer more . Thw. The Legend , Talmud , nor the Alcharon , Have not such doubtfull tales as these ; but make't Appeare , I would have evidence ! Yo: Pal. Then take't on my Religion Sir , he was Layd up in durance for a Bawd before He betrayd you to the same preferment ! Thw. Shall this be justify'd , when my disgrace Comes to be knowne ; wilt thou then witnesse it ? Yo: Pal. With a deepe oath ! And Sir , to tempt more of Your favours on poore mee , that ever mourn'd For all your sufferings ; know you shall now See him inclos'd in a blind Chest ; where hee Lies bath'd Sir , in a greater swet than ere Cornelius tooke in his owne Tub ! Thw. Here amongst Sepulchers , and mallencholy bones : Let mee but see't ; and I will dye for joy , To make thee instantly my heire ! Yo. Pal. You shall ; and yet ere the Sun rise , find him Enthrall'd too in a new distresse ! Thw. Do'st want money ? bring mee to Parchment and A Scriv'ner , Ile seale out two pound of Wax . — Yo. Pall : knocks at the Chest . Yo: Pal.

You Sir , my neer'st Ally , are you asleep ?

Eld: Pal.

O Brother , art thou come ! quick , let me forth .

Yo: Pal. Here is a certaine friend of yours presents His loving visit Sir ! — Opens the Wicket . Eld. Pall. Sir Morglay Thwack ? I had rather have seene my sister naked ! Thwack . What , like a bashfull Badger doe you draw Your head into your hole agen ? Come sir , Out with that sage Noddle , that has contriv'd So cunningly for me , and your deare selfe ! Eld. Pall. Here , take my Eielids Knight , and sow'em up , I dare not see thy face ! Thwack . But what thinke you Of a new Iourney from the North , to live Here by your Wits ; or midnight visits sir , To the Mogols Neece ! Eld. Pall. I have offended Knight ! Whip me with wire , headed with Rowels of Sharpe Ripon Spurs ! Ile endure any thing Rather than thee ! Thwack . Wee have ( I thanke your bounteous braine ) Beene entertain'd with various consorts sir , Of whispring Lutes , to sooth us into slumbers , Spirits of Clare to bathe our Temples in , And then the wholsome wombe of woman too , That never teem'd , all this for nothing sir ! Yo: Pall.

Come , Ile let him forth !

Thwack . Rogue ! if thou lov'st me ! Nay , let him be confin'd thus , one short moneth ! Ile send him downe to Countrey Faires for a New motion made , b'a Germane Ingener ! Yo: Pall.

'Las , he is my Brother .

Thwack . Or for a solitary Ape , Lead captive thus by th' Hollander , because He came aloft for Spaine , and would not for the States ! Yo: Pall. Sir Morglay leave your Lanthorne here , and stay My comming at yon dore ; Ile let him out ! But for the new distresse , I promis'd on His person , take it on my manhood sir , He feeles it strait ! Thwack .

Finely ensnar'd agen , and instantly !

Yo: Pall.

Have a good faith , and goe ! Exit Thwack .

Eld. Pall.

Deare Brother , wilt thou give me liberty !

Yo: Pall. Vpon condition sir , you kisse these Hilts , Sweare not to follow me , but here remaine Vntill the Lady Ample shall consent , To'th freedome I bestow ! — He kisses the Hilts . Eld. Pall.

Tis done ! a vow inviolate ! He opens the Chest and lets him out .

Yo. Pall. Now silence Brother ! not one curse , nor thankes — Exit Yo. Pall . Eld. Pall. Fate , and a good Starr speed me ! though I have Long since amaz'd my selfe e'ne to a Marble , Yet I have courage left , to aske , what this Might meane ? Was ever Two legg'd Man thus us'd ! — Enter Pert , Snore , & Watchmen . Pert. Pall , and his friend are gone , I must not stay His sight ; but after you have ceaz'd upon him Lead him a Prisoner to the Lady too . — Exit Pert. Sno.

Warrant ye , though he were Gog , or Heldebrand ! — they lay hold on him .

Eld. Pal:

How now ? What meane you Sirs ?

Snore .

Yield to the Constable .

Eld. Pal. 'Tis yielded sir , that you are Constable ! But where have I offended ! Snore . Heere Sir , you have committed Sacriledge , And robb'd an Aldermans Tombe , of himselfe , And his Two Sonnes kneeling in Brasse ! Eld. Pal.

How , Flea Monuments of their Brazen skinnes ?

Snore . Looke , a Darke Lanthorne , and an Iron Crow ! Fine evidence for a Iurie ! — Eld. Pall. I like this plott ! The Lady Ample and My Brother , have most rare , triumphant Witts ; Now by this hand , I am most eagerly In love with both ; I finde I have deserv'd all ; And am resolv'd t'hugge them , and their designes ; Though they afflict me more , and more ! Whither must I goe ? Snore . Away with him ! Saucie fellow ! examine The Kings Constable ! — Exeunt . Enter Young Pallatine , Thwack , Ample , Luce , Meager . Meager . I am become your Guardians Iaylor , Lady ; Hee's safe lock'd in the Parlor , and there howles Like a Dogg that sees a Witch flying ! Thwack . I long to heare how my wise Tutor thrives I'th new defeat ! Amp. 'Tis well you are converted ! Beleev't that Gentleman deserves your thankes . Thwack . Lady seale my conversion on you Lipp ; 'Tis the first leading Kisse , that I intend For after chastetie ! — kisses her . Yo. Pal. Luce , see you make the proposition good Which I shall give my Brother from this Lady , Or Ile so swaddle your small Bones . Luce. Sweet Pall , thou shalt . Madam , you'l please to stand To what I lately mention'd to your owne desire ? Amp.

To ev'ry particle , and more . — Enter Pert.

Pert.

Your Brother's come ; this roome must be his prison .

Yo: Pall. ' Way Luce , away : stand in the Closet Madam , That you may heare us both , and reach my call . Thw.

Ile stay , and see him .

Yo: Pall. No Knight ; you are decreed Sir Tirants Iudge : Goe that way Sir , and force him to compound . Thwack . Ile fine him soundly , Till's Purse shrink like a Bladder in the fire ! — Ex. Amp. Luc. Thw. Meag. Pert. Enter Snore , Elder Pallatine . Snor. Here Sir , this is your Iayle , too good for such A great Offender . Eld: Pall. Sacriledge ! very well . Now all the Pulpit Cushions , all the Hearse Clothes , And winding sheets , that have been stolne about The Towne this yeare , will be laid to my charge ! Yo: Pall. Pray leave us Master Constable , and looke Vnto your other Bondman in the Parler . — Exit Snore . Eld: Pal. This is the wittiest off-spring that our name Ere had : I love him beyond hope , or lust , My Father was no Poet sure , I wonder How hee got him ? Yo. Pal.

I know you curse me now .

Eld. Pal.

Brother , introth you lie , and who ere believes it .

Yo: Pal. Indeed you doe : Conjurers in a Circle , That have rais'd up a wrong spirit , curse not So much , nor yet so inwardly . Eld: Pal.

I've a great mind to kisse thee .

Yo: Pal.

You have not sure ?

Eld: Pal. I shall do't , and eate up thy lips so far , Till th'ast nothing left to cover thy teeth . Yo: Pal. And can you thinke all the afflictions you Endur'd , were merited ; first , for misleading Morglay , your old friend ; then , neglect of mee , And haughty over-vallewing your selfe ? Eld: Pal. Brother , I murmur not ; the Traps that you Have layd , were so ingenious , I could wish To fall in them agen . Yo: Pal. The Lady Ample Sir , There is the great contriver that hath weav'd These knots so intricate and safe : 'Las , I Was but her lowly Instrument . Eld: Pall. Ah that Lady ! were I a King , shee should Sit with me under my best Canopie , A silver Scepter in her hand ; with which , I'd give her leave to breake my head for ev'ry fault I did commit . Yo: Pall. But say , I bring this Lady Sir , unto Your lawfull sheets ; make her your bosome wife : Besides , the plenty of her heritage , How would it sound , that you had conquer'd her Who hath so often conquer'd you ? Eld. Pall.

Deare Brother , no new plots .

Yo. Pall. Six thousand pounds Sir is your yearly Rent ; A faire temptation to a discreet Lady : Luce , hath fill'd both mine Eares with hope ; besides , I heard her say , shee nere should meet a man , That she could more subdue with Wit , and Government . Eld: Pall.

That Ile venture .

Yo: Pal. Well , my first bounty is your freedome Sir ; For'th Constable obayes no Law , but mine . And now , Madam ! Appeare ! — Enter Ample , Luce . Amp.

Y'are welcome 'mongst the living Sir ?

Eld, Pal. Lady , no words ; if y'have but so much Mercie As could secure one that your Eies affect . Amp. Why , you'r growne arrogant agen : d'you thinke They are so weake , to affect you ? Eld. Pal. I have a heart so kind unto my selfe , To wish they could ; O we should live . Amp.

Not by our Wits .

Eld: Pal. No , no! but with such soft content ; still in Conspiracie , how to betray our selves To new delights , keepe harmonie , with no More noyse , than what the upper motions make ; And this so constant too , Turtles themselves , Seeing our faith , shall slight their owne , and pine With jealousie . Amp. Luce , the youth talkes sence now , no Med'cine for The braine , like to captivity in a darke Chest . Yo: Pall.

O Madam , you are cruell !

Amp. Well my sad Convertite : joy yet at this : I've often made a vow , to marry on That very day my Wardship is expir'd : And two howres since , that liberty begun . Luce.

Nay , heare her out ! your wishes are so sawcie Sir .

Amp. And know , my glory is dispatch . My Ancestors Were of the fierie French , and taught me love , Hot eagernesse , and haste ! Eld: Pall. Let mee be rude A while ; lye with your judgement , and beget Sages on that ! My dearest , chiefest Lady ! — Amp.

Your braine's yet fowle , and will recoyle agen .

Eld. Pall.

No more : Ile swallow downe my Tongue !

Amp. If Sir , your nature be so excellent , As your kind Brother hath confirm'd to Luce . And mee ; follow , and Ile present you straight With certaine writings you shall seale to , hood-winck'd , And purely ignorant of what they are ? This is the swiftest , and the easiest test , That I can make of your bold love ; doe this , Perhaps , I may vouchsafe to marrie you . The writings are within . Eld: Pall.

Lead mee to triall , come !

Amp. But Sir , if I should marry you ; it is In confidence , I have the better Wit ; And can subdue you still to quietnesse , Meeke sufferings , and patient awe . Eld: Pall.

You rap me still anew .

Yo: Pall.

In Luce , our hopes grow strong , and Giantly ! Exeunt .

Enter Thrift , Snore , Mist : Snore , Queasie , Ginet . Ginet . To him Mistrisse Snore ; 'tis hee has kept Your Husband from his Bed so long , to watch Him for a Church Robberie ! Mist : Snor. Ah , thou Iudas ! I thought what thou'ldst come to ! Remember the Warrant thou sent'st for mee Into Duck-lane , 'cause I call'd thy Mayd Trot ! When I was faine t'invite thy Clerke to a Fee Pye , sent me b'a Temple Cooke , my Sisters Sweet-heart ! Quea. Nay , and remember who was brought to bed Under thy Coach house wall ; when thou deuid'st A wad of straw , and wouldst not joyne thy halfe-penny To send for Milke , for the poore Chrisome ! Snor. Now you may sweeten me with Sugar-loaves At New-yeares-tide , as I have you Sir . — Enter Thwack , Pert , Meager , Engine . Thw. Wee'l teach you to rob Churches ! S'light , hereafter Wee of the Pious shall be afrayd to goe To a long Exercise , for feare our Pockets should Be pick'd ! Come Sir , you see already how The neighbours throng to find you ; will you consent ? Tis but a thousand pounds a piece to these Two Gentlemen ; and five hundred more t' Engine . Your crime is then conceal'd , and your selfe free . Meag.

No , he may chuse , hee'l trust to'th kind hearted Law .

Pert. Let him , and to Dame Iustice too , who though Her Ladiship be blind , will grope hard Sir , To find your Money Bags . Engin. Sir you are rich ; besides , you know what you Have got by your Wards death ; I feare you will Be begg'd at Court , unlesse you come off thus . Thrift .

There is my Closet Key , doe what you please .

Engin.

Gentlemen , Ile lead you to it , follow me .

Thw. D'you use to find such sums as these beneath An Oke , after a long March ; I thinke sure , The wars are not so plentifull . Pert.

Wee thinke so too .

Thw. Y'had better traile a Bodkin , Gentlemen , Under the Lady Ample , than a Pike Under a German Generall . Per.

Wee'l in for th'Mony Sir , and talk anon . Ex. Eng. Per. Meag.

Enter Eld : Pallatine , Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Luce . Yo: Pall. Sir Tirant Thrift , here is your Ward come from The dead , t'indite you for a Robbery Upon her Ghost . Thrift .

Hah ! Is shee alive too ?

Luce. Yes , and her Wardship out , before y'have profer'd her A Husband Sir ; so the best benefit Of all your Guardianship is lost . Ampl. In seven long yeares you could not Sir provide A man deform'd enough , to offer mee For your owne ends . Thrift .

Couzen'd of wealth , of fame ! Dog Engine ! Ex. Thrift .

Thw. Wee must have you enclos'd agen : y'are very Forward with the Lady . Eld: Pall. I will be Sir , Vntill shee groane ! this Priest stayes some what long . Thw. How's this ? troth I shall forgive thee then heartily . Amp. I've t'ane him i'th behalfe of health ; to chide And jeere , for recreation sake , 'twill keepe Mee Sir , in breath , now I am past growing . Eld: Pall. Hearke Knight ! here's rellish for your eares . I chose None of your dull Country Madams , that spend Their time in studying Receipts , to make March-Pane , and preserve Plums ; that talke Of painfull Child-births , Servants wages , and Their husbands good Complexion , and his Leg ! Thw.

New wonders yet !

El: Pall. What was that ( Mistris ) which I seal'd to , hood-wink'd ? A simple triall of my confidence and love . Amp. Your Brother has it , tis a gift to him Of one faire Mannor , 'mongst those many that you Have in Possession Sir ; and in this Bond , Y'are witnesse to three thousand pounds I give to Luce ! Luce.

Yes Sir , for Pall and I must marry too .

Yo: Pall.

I were an Ev'nuch else , and th'world should know't .

Eld: Pall. Thou couldst not have betrayd mee to a bounty I more love . Brother ! Give thee joy ! — Thw. takes Yo: : Pall . aside . Thw. You are the cause of all these Miracles : Therefore I desire you to be my heire ; By this good day you must : for I've t'ane order , Though I love your Wit , you shall not live by it . Yo: Pall.

My kind thanks Sir , the poore Mans gratitude .

Mist : Snor. ' Give you joy sweet Master Pallatine , and Your Brother too . Quea. And send you more such wives , Ev'ry yeare as many as shall please heaven . Snor. Tis day . Ile not to bed Sir now ; my watch Shall be drunke , at your worships wedding . Yo: Pall. They shall , and there is Gold enough to keepe Them so , untill thy reigne be out . — Enter Pert , Meager , Engine , with Money Bags . Pert.

Loaden with composition Pall . —

Meag.

Tis for your sake wee grone under these burdens . —

Yo: Pall. The Offall of Sir Tirants Trunks ! Brother , Pray know these Gentlemen , they owe you more Money than they meane to pay now . Eld: Pal. I remember 'um : But no words my Cavalliers , And you are safe . Where shall we dine to day ? Yo: Pal. At Lucy's Aunts ; wee'l make her costive Beldamship Come off ; when shee beholds a goodly joynture , And our faire hopes . Eld: Pall. First , to the Church . Lady , Ile make your skittish person sure . Some of Your pleasant Arts upon mee , may become A wise Example , and a Morall too ; Such as their haughty fancie well befits , That undertake to live here by their Wits . Exeunt omnes .
FINIS .
EPILOGVE . THe office of an Epilogue , is now To smooth & stroke the wrinckles frō each brow ; To guide severer judgements ( if wee could Be wise enough ) untill they thought all good , Which they perhaps dislike ; And sure , this were An over-boldnesse , rais'd from too much Feare . You have a Freedome , which wee hope you'l use , T' advance our youthfull Poet , and his Muse With a kind Doome ; And hee'l tread boldly then In's best new Comick Socks , this Stage agen .
A19883-palatine_sr 192 A19883-palatine_jr 161 A19883-thwack 105 A19883-ample 95 A19883-pert 76 A19883-engine 59 A19883-luce 43 A19883-meager 38 A19883-lucy 36 A19883-thrift 35 A19883-snore 30 A19883-mrs_snore 18 A19883-ginet 16 A19883-queasy 13 A19883-unassigned 4
Textual Notes

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Taff●ta hast thou danc'd to the Drum too ? Could a Taffeta scarfe , a long Estridge whing , A stiffe ●●uff'd VVhat can she heare , when her old eares are stuff'd With as much warme waxe , as will seale Th●mselves which Drawers , Traytors , or Constables Themselves doe keepe ; for VVatchmen know thee better h●s And tooke from her Exchequer so much Wit As has maintain'd mee since . I led my fine Trim feel● I feel, , I am inclin'd t'indeavour in A Calling ●hee I would kisse thee Engine , but for an odd Nice humour in my E●n●uch so poore Till for preferment you become an Eunuch , And sing a Trebble ; in a Chauntry , Knight A● these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th'impudence to live long th●y these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th'impudence to live long ) Good ●ellies pleasant seasons of the day , in boyling Jellies for them , and rowling little Pills Of Cambrick 〈◊〉 if you'l needs marry , Expect not a single Pursse for a Ioynture ; Not so much Land as will ▪ houres , for they'l returne agen Ere long ; O you carry'd your false love rarely ! with'Conqueror race of old Norman Spyders , that came in with Conqueror . making-her wealth ; and would be loth To cheapen these by making her dull family Bold witnesses of her desires ▪ Sir you have cause ! And in good faith , if you should thinke us such , Wee would hop●s stripping in more haste , than an old snake That hopes for a new skin ! E●ters Hounds , and Hawkes , Hunting Nags , with tall Eaters in Blew Coats , Sance Number ! humblesake Ladiships service : If you please For my humble sake , unto your Lip too ! — ●uls care ? For let him but prove kind unto his Buls , Bring them their Heifers when their Crests ▪ Why this young Gentleman hath relish in't ! Yet when you understand the darke , and ▪ To whom you bow as formost of your blood ; You will degrade your selves from all prerogatives Ginet▪ Ginet. carely Your Ladiship forgets how early your Designes will waken you ? Eig▪ your friends , I would speake with you . Yo. Pall . Men o'the puissant Pike , follow ▪ your friends , I would speake with you . Eig . Pall . Men o'the puissant Pike , follow Co●●hes her eyes T'avoyd the sight of Feathers , Coaches , and short Cloakes ! P●● Why is there never a Pue there ( Luce ) but for Your coughing Aunt Fairles There's Gold ! the Fairies are thy Mintmen Girle , Of this thou shalt ▪ dispatch ! Ile knock , for here's the house ! Cutchy nill with an Argosie , Laden with Indico , and Cutchynil ! Cl●ret Coronation day , when each Conduit pisses Claret at the Towne charge ! Well , though tis learn●d than Steele or Marble to Digest ; yet I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider taint● I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider with disgrace ; But may procure tefty your wit can lead our rev'rend Matrons , And testy Widowes of fourscore , to scale ( And in hi● her Chamber ! And in a time that makes for his suspition too , When hee's from home ! in wardly but think on't gentle Lady ! First to bate inwardly , and then to have My outward person shut to ' th wine ; I doe not like this drinking healths to'th memory O'th dead ; it is prophane . 〈◊〉 can , But marke the Malice and the envy of Your Nature : I am no sooner exalted To rich pas●● ; with Creame of Zwitzerland , And Genoa pasle . M●rsolini Your Angelots of Brie ! Your Marsolini , and Parmasan of Lodi ! Your Malamucka shuf●lle nimble packing hand , the swift Disordred shufille , or the slurr ; or his More base imployment ▪ Meanes , To avoyd covetous desires i'th world ! Yo▪ Exit Yo. ▪ Pall . ▪ Saucie fellow ! examine The Kings Constable ! — ▪ Till's Purse shrink like a Bladder in the fire ! — Eld▪ Eld. Pall. ▪ , Perhaps , I may vouchsafe to marrie you . The writings are within . ▪ Sir you are rich ; besides , you know what you Have got by