ARt sure old Maybery Innes here to night ,

Tis certaine the honest knaue Chamberleine that hath bin my Informer , my baud , euer since I knew Ware assures me of it , and more being a Londoner though altogether vnacquainted , I haue requested his company at supper .

Excellent occasion : how wee shall carry our selues in this busines is onely to be thought vpon .

Be that my vndertaking : if I do not take a full reuenge of his wiues puritanicall coynesse .

Suppose it she should be chast ,

O hang her : this art of seeming honest makes many of our young sonnes and heires in the Citty , looke so like our prentises , — Chamberlaine .

Heare Sir . Enter Chamberlaine .

This honest knaue is call'd Innocence , ist not a good name for a Chamberlaine ? he dwelt at Dunstable not long since , and hath brought me and the two Butchers Daughters there to interuiew twenty times & not so little I protest : how chance you left dunstable Sirra ?

Faith Sir the towne droopt euer since the peace in Ireland , your captaines were wont to take their leaues of their London Polecats , ( their wenches I meane Sir ) at Dunstable : the next morning when they had broke their fast togeather the wenches brought them to quickly 'ith hole , & so the one for London the other for Westchester , your onely rode now Sir is Yorke Yorke Sir .

True , but yet it comes scant of the Prophesy ; Lincolne was , London is , and Yorke shall-be .

Yes Sir , tis fullfild , Yorke shalbe , that is , it shalbe Yorke still , surely it was the meaning of the prophet : will you haue some Cray-fish , and a Spitchcocke .

And a fat Trout .

Most kindly welcome — I beseech you hold our bouldnesse excused Sir .

Sir it is the health of Trauailers , to inioy good company : will you walke .

Whether Trauaile you I beseech you .

To London Sir we came from Sturbridge .

I tel you Gentlemen I haue obseru'd very much with being at sturbridge ; it hath afforded me mirth beyond the length of fiue lattin Comedies ; here should you meete a Nor-folk yeoman ful-but ; with his head able to ouer-turne you ; and his pretty wife that followed him , ready to excuse the ignorant hardnesse of her husbands forhead , in the goose markt number of freshmen ; stuck here and there , with a graduate : like cloues with great heads in a gammon of bacon : here two gentlemen making a mariage betweene their heires ouer a wool-pack ; there a Ministers wife that could speake false lattine very lispingly ; here two in one corner of a shop : Londoners selling their wares , & other Gentlemen courting their wiues ; where they take vp petticoates you shold finde schollers & towns-mens wiues crouding togither while their husbands weare in another market busie amongst the Oxen ; twas like a campe for in other Coūtries so many Punks do not follow an army . I could make an excellent discription of it in a Comedy : but whether are you trauailyng Gentlemen ?

Faith Sir we purposed a dangerous voiage , but vpō better consideration we alterd our course .

May we without offence pertake the ground of it .

Tis altogither triuial in-sooth : but to passe away the time till supper , Ile deliuer it to you , with protestation before hand , I seeke not to publish euery gētle-womans dishonor , only by the passage of my discource to haue you censure the state of our quarrel .

Forth Sir .

Frequenting the company of many marchants wiues in the Citty , my heart by chance leapt into mine eye to affect the fairest but with al the falsest creature that euer affectiō stoopt to .

Of what ranck was she I beseech you .

Vpon your promise of secresie .

You shall close it vp like treasure of your owne , and your selfe shall keepe the key of it ,

And entertaind your loue .

As Meddowes do Aprill : the violence as it seemed of her affection — but alas it proued her dissembling , would at my comming and departing be-dew her eyes with loue dropps ; O she could the art of woman most feelingly .

Most feelingly .

I should not haue lik'd that feelingly had she beene my wife , giue vs some sack heare and in faith — we are all friends ; & in priuate — what was her husbands name ▪ — Ile giue you a carouse by and by .

O you shall pardon mee his name , it seemes you are a Cittizen , it would bee discourse inough for you vpon the exchange this fort-night should I tell his name .

Your modesty in this wiues commendation ; on sir .

In the passage of our loues , ( amongst other fauours of greater valew ) she bestowed vpon me this ringe which she protested was her husbands gift .

The poesie , the poesie — O my heart , that ring good infaith :

Not many nights comming to her and being familiar with her .

Kissing and so forth .

I Sir .

And talking to her feelingly .

Pox on't , I lay with her .

Good infaith you are of a good complexion .

Lying with her as I say : and rising some-what early frō her in the morning , I lost this ring in her bed .

In my wiues bed .

How do you Sir .

Nothing : lettes haue a fire chamberlaine ; I thinke my bootes haue taken water I haue such a shudering : ith' bed you say ;

Right Sir , in Mistris Maiberies sheetes .

Was her name Maybery .

Beshrew my tongue for blabbing , I presume vpon your secresy .

O God Sir , but where did you find your loosing ;

Where I found her falsnesse : with this Gentleman ; who by his owne confession pertaking the like inioyment ; found this ring the same morning on her pillowe , and sham'd not in my sight to weare it .

What did shee talke feelingly to him too ; I warrant her husband was forth a Towne all this while , and he poore man trauaild with hard Egges in's pocket , to saue the charge of a baite , whilst she was at home with her Plouers , Turkey , Chickens ; do you know that Maibery .

No more then by name .

Hee's a wondrous honest man ; lets be merry ; will not your mistrisse gentlemen , you are tenants in common I take it .

Yes .

Will not your Mistresse make much of her husband when he comes home as if no such legerdemaine had bin acted .

Yes she hath reason for't , for in some countries , where men and women haue good trauailing stomackes , they begin with porredge ; then they fall to Capon or so-forth : but if Capon come short of filling their bellies , to their porridge againe , tis their onely course , so for our women in England .

This wit taking of long iourneys : kindred that comes in ore the hatch , and sailing to Westminster makes a number of Cuckolds .

Fie what an idle quarrell is this , was this her ring ?

Her ring Sir .

A pretty idle toy , would you would take mony for't ,

Mony sir .

The more I looke on't , the more I like it .

Troth 'tis of no great valew , and considering the losse , and finding of this ring made breach into your friendship , Gentlemen , with this trifle purchase his loue , I can tell you he keepes a good Table .

What my Mistris gift ?

Faith you are a merry old Gentleman ; Ile giue you my part in't .

Troth and mine , with your promise to conceale it from her husband .

Doth he know of it yet ?

No Sir .

He shall neuer then I protest ● looke you this ring doth fitte me passing well .

I am glad we haue fitted you .

This walking is wholesome , I was a cold euen now , now I sweat for't .

Looke you , we must be better acquainted that's all .

Most willingly ; Excellent , hee's heat to the proofe , lets with-draw , and giue him leaue to raue a little .

Chamberlaine , giue vs a cleane Towell .

How now man ?

I am foolish old Maybery , and yet I can be wise Maybery too ; Ile to London presently , begon Sir .

How , how ?

Nay , nay , Gods pretious you doe mistake mee Maister Bellamont ; I am not distempered , for to know a mans wife is a whore , is to be resolu'd of it , and to be resolued of it , is to make no question of it , and when a case is out of question ; what was I saying ?

Why looke you , what a distraction are you falne into ?

If a man be deuorst , doe you see , deuorst forma Iuris , whether may he haue an action or no , gainst those that make hornes at him ?

O madnesse ! that the frailty of a woman should make a wise man thus idle ! yet I protest to my vnderstanding , this report seemes as farre from truth , as you from patience .

Then am I a foole , yet I can bee wise and I list too : what sayes my wedding ring ?

Indeed that breeds some suspition : for the rest most grose and open , for two men , both to loue your wife , both to inioy her bed , and to meete you as if by miracle , and not knowing you , vpon no occasion in the world , to thrust vpon you a discourse of a quarrell , with circumstance so dishonest , that not any Gentleman but of the countrie blushing , would haue publisht . I and to name you : doe you know them ?

Faith now I remember , I haue seene them walke muffled by my shop .

Like enough ; pray God they doe not borrow mony of ●● twixt Ware and London : come striue to blow ouer these clowdes .

As Iet , they will take vp I warrant you , where they may bee trusted ; will you be merry ?

Wonderous merry ; lets haue some Sack to drowne this Cuckold , downe with him : wonderous merry : one word & no more ; I am but a foolish tradesman , and yet Ile be a wise tradesman . Exeunt .

Arrest me ? at whose sute ? Tom Chartley , Dick Leuer-poole , stay , Ime arrested .

Arrested ?

Gentlemen breake not the head of the peace ; its to no purpose , for hee's in the lawes clutches , you see hee's fangd .

Vds life , doe you stand with your naked weapons in your hand , and doe nothing with em ? put one of em into my fingers , Ile tickle the pimple-nosed varlets .

Hold Doll , thrust not a weapon vpon a mad woman , Officers step back into the Tauerne , you might ha tane mee ith streete , and not ith' Tauerne entrie , you Cannibals .

Wee did it for your credit Sir .

How much is the debt ? Drawer , some wine .

Foure score pound : can you send for Baile Sir ? or what will you doe ? wee cannot stay .

You cannot , you pasty-footed Rascalls , you will stay one day in hell .

Foure score pounds drawes deepe ; farewell Doll , come Serieants , Ile step to mine Vncle not farre off , here-by in Pudding lane , and he shall baile mee : if not , Chartly you shall finde me playing at Span-counter , and so farewell . Send mee some Tobacco .

Haue an eye to his hands .

Haue an eye to his legges . Exeunt .

Ime as melancholy now ?

Villanous spitefull luck , Ile hold my life some of these sawsie Drawers betrayd him .

Wee sir ! no by Gad Sir , wee scorne to haue a Iudas in our company .

This is the end of all whores , to fall into the hands of knaues . Drawer , tye my shoe pry thee : the new knot as thou seest this : Philip is a good honest Gentleman , I loue him because heele spend , but when I saw him on his Fathers Hobby , and a brace of Punkes following him in a coach , I told him hee would run out , hast done boy ?

Yes forsooth : by my troth you haue a dainty legge .

How now good-man rogue .

Nay sweete Mistresse Doll .

Doll ! you reprobate ! out you Bawd for seauen yeares by the custome of the Citty .

Good Mistris Dorothy ; the pox take mee , if I toucht your legge but to a good intent .

Prate you : the rotten toothd rascall , will for sixe pence fetch any whore to his maisters customers : and is euery one that swims in a Taffatie gowne Lettis for your lippes ? vds life , this is rare , that Gentlewomen and Drawers , must suck at one Spiggot : Doe you laugh you vnseasonable puck-fist ? doe you grin ?

Away Drawer : hold pry thee good rogue , holde my sweete Doll , a pox a this swaggering .

Pox a your gutts , your kidneys ; mew : hang yee , rooke : I'me as melancholy now as Fleet-streete in a long vacation .

Melancholy ? come weele ha some muld Sack .

When begins the terme ?

Why ? hast any suites to be tryed at Westminster ?

My Sutes you base ruffian haue beene tryed at Westminster already : so soone as euer the terme begins , Ile change my lodging , it stands out a the way ; Ile lye about Charing-crosse , for if there be any stirrings , there we shall haue 'em : or if some Dutch-man would come from the States ! oh ! these Flemmings pay soundly for what they take .

If thou't haue a lodging West-ward Doll , Ile fitte thee .

At Tyburne will you not ? a lodging of your prouiding ? to bee cal'd a Lieutenants , or a Captaines wench ! oh ! I scorne to bee one of your Low-country commodities , I ; is this body made to bee mainteined with Prouant and dead pay ? no : the Mercer must bee paide , and Sattin gowne 〈…〉 bee tane vp .

And gallon pots must be tumbled downe .

Stay : I haue had a plot a breeding in my braines — Are all the Quest-houses broken vp ?

Yes , long since : what then ?

What then ? mary then is the wind come about , and for those poore wenches that before Christmasse fled West-ward with bag and baggage , come now sailing alongst the lee shore with a Northerly winde ▪ and we that had warrants to lie without the liberties , come now dropping into the freedome by Owle-light sneakingly .

But Doll , whats the plot thou spakst off ?

Mary this : Gentlemen , and Tobacco-stinckers , and such like are still buzzing where sweete meates are ( like Flyes ) but they make any flesh stinke that they blow vpon : I will leaue those fellowes therefore in the hands of their Landresses : Siluer is the Kings stampe , man Gods stampe , and a woman is mans stampe , wee are not currant till wee passe from one man to another .

Very good .

I will therefore take a faire house in the Citty : no matter tho it be a Tauerne that has blowne vp his Maister : it shall be in trade still , for I know diuerse Tauernes ith Towne , that haue but a Wall betweene them and a hotte-house . It shall then bee giuen out , that I'me a Gentlewoman of such a birth , such a wealth , haue had such a breeding , and so foorth , and of such a carriage , and such quallities , and so forth : to set it off the better , old Iack Hornet shall take vppon him to bee my Father .

Excellent , with a chaine about his neck and so forth .

For that , Saint Martins and wee will talke : I know vve shall haue Gudgions bite presently : if they doe boyes , you shall liue like Knights fellowes ; as occasion serues , you shall vveare liueries and vvaite , but vvhen Gulls are my winde-falls , you shall be Gentlemen , and keepe them company : seeke out Iack Hornet incontinently .

Wee will ; come Charely , vveele playe our partes I warrant .

Where is your Mistris , villaine ? when went she abroad ?

Abroad Sir , why assoone as she was vp Sir .

Vp Sir , downe Sir , so sir : Maister Bellamont , I will tell you a strange secret in Nature , this boy is my wiues bawd .

O fie sir , fie , the boy he doe's not looke like a Bawde , he has no double chin .

No sir , nor my breath does not stinke , I smell not of Garlick or Aqua-vitae : I vse not to bee drunke with Sack and Sugar : I sweare not God dam me , if I know vvhere the party is , when 'tis a lye and I doe know : I was neuer Carted ( but in haruest ) neuer vvhipt but at Schoole : neuer had the Grincoms : neuer sold one Maiden-head ten seuerall times , first to an Englishman , then to a Welshman , then to a Dutchman , then to a pockie Frenchman , I hope Sir I am no Bawd then .

Thou art a Baboune , and holdst me with trickes , vvhilst my Wife grafts grafts , away , trudge , run ▪ search her out by land , and by water .

Well Sir , the land Ile ferret , and after that Ile search her by water , for it may be shees gone to Brainford . Exit .

Inquire at one of mine Aunts .

One of your Aunts are you mad ?

Yea , as many of the twelue companies are , troubled , troubled .

Ile chide you : goe too , Ile chide you soundly .

Oh maister Bellamont !

Oh Maister Maybery ! before your Seruant to daunce a Lancashire Horne-pipe : it shewes worse to mee , then dancing does to a deafe man that sees not the fiddles : Sfoot you talke like a Player .

If a Player talke like a mad-man , or a foole , or an Asse , and knowes not vvhat hee talkes , then Ime one : you are a Poet Maister Bellamont , I vvill bestow a piece of Plate vpon you to bring my wife vpon the Stage , wud not her humor please Gentlemen .

With-out cause , when my Mare beares double : without cause ?

And without wit .

When two Virginall Iacks skip vp , as the key of my instrument goes downe !

They are two wicked elders .

When my wiues ring does smoake for't .

Your wiues ring may deceiue you .

O Maister Bellamont ! had it not beene my wife had made me a Cuckold , it should neuer haue greeued mee .

You wrong her vpon my soule .

No , she wrongs me vpon her body .

Now blew-bottle ? what fl●tter you for Sea-pye ?

Not to catch fish Sir , my young Maister , your sonne maister Philip is taken prisoner .

By the Dunkirks .

Worse : by Catch-polls : hee's encountred .

Shall I neuer see that prodigall come home .

Yes Sir , if youle fetch him out , you may kill a Calfe for him .

For how much lyes he ?

The debt is foure score pound , marry he chargde mee to tell you it was foure score and ten , so that he lies onely for the odde ten pound .

His childs part shal now be paid , this mony shalbe his last , & this vexation the last of mine : if you had such a sonne maister Maiberie .

To such a wife , twere an excellent couple .

Release him , and release me of much sorrow , I will buy a Sonne no more : goe redeeme him . Enter Prentice and Maiberies wife .

Here's the party Sir .